The Serious Problem Of Categorization

Do Not Allow Categories To Become Judgement

Carl Rogers and other psychotherapists, druing the mid 1900's sought in their psycho therapy to be non-judgemental and accepting. Their emphasis was not on analysis or classification of the client, but on facilitationg growth. They believed that by creating a safe, positive, accepting and therapeutic climate, their client would just naturally start moving towards good mental health. They would like this story:

"I understand you so well."  "I've got you figured out," and "I know what kind of a person you are," is not what Helen wanted to hear. Yes, she, like most of us, would like to be understood, but not this way. She wanted to be understood, but not figured out, not analyzed into a type of a person. Her husband, similar to so many men, liked to solve problems. They we he solved peoples problemls was to first analyze the person and situation and then determine just what kind of personal classification he could make in order to find a solution. He did this with his wife, Helen. Once he had found the solution, Helen didn't even need to talk anymore. Helen undertood what was happening with her good intended husband and she explained the following to him:

Helen: "Jeff, thank you but no thank you for hte wonderful analysis. Your effort is appreciated, but I just want to run away and scream when someone thinks they have me all figured out. I would hate it even if it were true, but the truth is I know you error when you put me in a category and predict what I am going to do. That is just not the way people are. I would not do it to you because it is demeaning even if it were possible."

Jeff: "So, what do you want?"

Helen: "Thanks for asking. When I ask to be understood, I refer to the process of understanding not to a created product called "The Understanding Of Helen.".

Jeff: "A process?" 

Helen: "Yes, an activity where you listen and share my feelings, and try to comprehend what I am going through. It may not need a solution."

Jeff: "So, why do it?"

Helen: "This is going to take a long time."

In marriages, we want to know intimately whom we are relating with, or what kind of person we have in front of us. It is very natural when using an analytic technique to try and erect categories, even categories of people, and then to place even our loved ones into these constructed categories. The expected benefit is increased predictability of the other pseron because we think we know what kind of person is our partner, family membersi friends and loved ones. 
    There are serious disadvantages to the categorization procedure. Once categorized, the other person has a hard time changing because they tend to believe the category as well. But, even if they disbelieve the categorization and do change, others find it difficult to accept the change and thus the relationship does not evolve and is stuck where it is. 
     The way to avoid the problems of categorization is to be non-judgemental in the first place. One of the first benefits is that if you do not judge others, they are less likely to judge you. Generally, judgements are judgements of inadequacies rather than of strengths. If one accepts the fact that people are constantly changing then categories becomes less useful because people are constructed. 

     But, that is not just the accuracy of the judgement that is problematic. It is the judgement itself. The judgement usually is a criticism, and feeling criticism leads to defensiveness, withdrawl, hurt feelings, and therefore they typically are detrimental tot he relationship. If in your marriage you can be non-judgemental, non-critical and come to know your partner as a unique spirit, you will find the ways to resolve problems will come naturally. 
      In time, you can hope to become quite an artist in a way that will be described in a later post.     
           

Let's Talk About Behavior

Behavoir is caused by perceptions at the moment of action

    This is such a key and important point. The following story and discussion may be helpful to grasp the concept. 


Henry was an embarrassment for his wife at parties. He just acted to impress, grabbing all the attention he could, and worst of all bragging about himself. "Where did he learn to be like this?" she asked. What could she do? Could he be re-socialized in how to act? Could she teach him how to impress the right way? No, that would take forever. He was hopeless. He should have learned basic social skills during his youth and besides, how can you teach a person to have social sensibilities anyway? No, the answer is no. He was driving her crazy. When she criticized his bragging, he just got worse. 

 The answer to her predicament came as if in a mental vision. She saw him as a little boy with his male friends each trying to out-do the other with made up achievements. He just wanted to be more important and accepted. Knowing or perciving this, her whole apporach changed. Instead of trying to bring him down, in order for him to accept he had a bragging problem, and had nothing to brag about, she instead told him how important he was to her and how she appreciated what he did as a husband. Now that she knew what to do, she didn't worry about how long this was going to take. 

In social situations, she now saw the same boy trying to impress and she knew that this was no fun for him either. Sheitried to touch his spirit to give him a feeling of importance. She knew that someday he would find all the bragging unnecessary. 
  
   Two good thing happened. First, she was not so annoyed, and secondly, he gradually changed. 

Even if a person is not totally a product of heredity and environment we will know more about the person if we can learn about the past environment and heredity. Thus, we consider the past to understand the present. But, simply understanding the past will not provide the ability to predict the future behavior. A better way to understand future behavior is to focus on a person's perceptions at the momoent of action. This is the essence of living free. Of course, past experiences do influence the present perceptions, but the word is influence, not cause. Another popular alternative in psychology is to say that the past influences persent behavior by changing the mind or cognitions of the person. 
  Present perceptions or cognitions, at the moment of action, are among other factors to consider along with the spirit of the person, the situation, and the presence of absence of contributing factors. But, while the past may influence present perceptions, it doesn't cause perceptions, and thus, doesn't entirely cause behavior. 
A more accurate and meaningful way to understand a person is to study how they now percive the world. If their perceptions are faulty, inaccuarte, or in other ways in error, then these percetpions can be influenced for the better, but, it is not necessary to go back and change the persons past to change persent perceptions. We can view loved ones as having Free Agency, then, help them have more accurate and honest perceptions. 
But even more important than perceptions is the spirit within. It is much more important to discern, feel and reach another spirit than intellectually analyze their past if you want a more accurate, honest and complete understanding your marriage.

Choosing To Be Good

Choosing to be good is the surest way to live free. 

This concept is a little hard to explain. However, maybe this true story about a grandfather who lived his whole life on a homestead in Star Valley, Wyoming will help you understand the message I am trying to convene. 

Lorenzo was a poor dairy farmer. With little money, and having to milk his cows twice a day, 365 days a year, he hardly had any free time, nor could he afford to do things most men would choose to do. It would seem that his poverty robbed him of what many would consider freedom. Yet, this man was happy, laughed a lot, and had few complaints that could not be handled through humor. He enjoyed the respect of his family and friends. Twice a day he would offer prayers of gratitude to the Lord. He loved his horse, dog, grandchildren, and sons who worked on the farm with him. He was known for his honesty, kindness, and good nature. By living a good life, by living truthfully, by living true to his conscience, could it be said that he was living free? 

In our society, the core question of political, economic, legal and metaphysical philosophy is the question of freedom. It is also an obsession among the general population to be personally free. While this question may not be as important as those presented earlier the freedom question will not go away. So, at this time you might want to reexamine, "How free am I?"
   This question and answer that you pose, however, depends on the definition of freedom. Often freedom is associated with the term, "agency", referring to the belief that people are free agents. In the usual way of thinking, refers to having the conditions and opportunity to have choices, to say and do as one pleases. Another definition refers to the ability to make choices. A more profound and deep understanding of freedom has to do with how you live. Are some ways of living the key to being free? 
 In this last way of defining freedom it is how you live that determines your true and honest experiences of human freedom. Inthe simpilist terms, it is defining freedom as that state of being that occurs when living a life that is congruent with your true nature or conscience. The relevance of this discussion about freedom is that in marriage both husband amd wife often complain of losing their freedom. That complaint has merit according to some of the definitions, but in reality, both marriage partners can experience a more joyful and complete feeling of freedom by living true to their conscience. 
 The important point to recognize is that in marriage more of the problems, decisions, choices, and opportunities will be about non-material things. It is here that the successful marriage pertner will benefit from taking advantage of the many opportunities to choose and seek a life based on meaningfulness.

Seek A Meaningful Life And Happiness Will Follow

Everyone faces this motivational question. You probably have guessed it by now, but these illustrations and examples introduce a new concept. Here is the next story: 

Two beautiful girls graduated from high school and searched for the good life. The responsibilites of parenthood soon fell upon Wilma. The other, named Sue, had a talent for art and design and found she could create, sew, and sell fashoinable clothes to "high- end" and very glamorous people.While Wilma struggled with a marriage, she dedicated her life to her children. After a second divorce with her second husband, she cared for her three children. Meanwhile, Sue had one child, but eventually chose to live unattached by marriage. She associated with a fast crowd, having boyfriends, alcohol, and drugs while living in exotic cities. 
    Now they are both old and still good friends. Eventually Wilma found that family and religion provided meaning for her life. She is the most cheerful person you could meet, filled with gratitude for the love and respect she recieves daily from her husband and many children, and even grandchildren. Sue, however was motivated more to seek life's pleasures not the meaning of life. Now she has no husband and only a distant son. Her life is hard now and as her beauty slips, she is trying to give up drinking and worries about the lack of sales and the difficulty of sewing with arthritic hands. If you saw them during their early twenties you likely would have concluded that seeking happienss through pleasure was the way to go. Unfortunately, it is hard to see at a young age that you can find pleasure from seeking a meaningful life, but not a meaning life through pleasure seeking. 

From Freud's Pleasure Principle to B.F.Skinner's Reinforcers The Driving Force in life is said to be hedonistic personal pleasure. It certainly doesn't require a Ph.D. to know that men like pleasure, and like all animals try to avoid pain. 
This fundamental truth was known from day one, and requires little time to recognize that each day you spend time trying to do more pleasurable things and want to spend less time doing things whoch are troublesome, painful, annoying and frustrating. This is a true and correct principle. It could be considered a basic law of human behavior. 
 But we also sometimes know we willingly accept a great dealof pain and difficulties to do something that we might consider meaningful. 
 One winter, you might have shoveled a neighbor's side walk because you thought it was s good thing to do. At the onset you knew and later it was confirmed that your face and fingers would become cold. You had discomfort of putting on and off your boots, and perhaps you even huffed and puffed, and felt muscle strain while exerting yourself. 
 An athlete in training experiences pain in physical workout. A father puts up with much unpleasantry working at a butcher shop in order to send his son or daughter to college. It is not hard to find examples of meaning trumping pain and pleasure. 
 Both living to maximize pleasure and living to find meaning in life and true descriptions of of the human condition. They are opposites, but they both operate in our lives. It is good to live a life of pleasure, even joy, as long as it is a solid and true principle. 
 The desire to first seek meaning and purpose in life is not meant to destroy or replace the pleasure principle, but it could be seen as a higher law. While both motivations are correct, you must choose for your life whether one or the other is more important. You will eventually choose to guide your life by one or the other. Nothing dooms a marriage faster than building it around each partner's personal pleasure. Each partner will soon find that all too often getting their pleasure takes away or interferes with their partner's way of increasing momentary pleasure. The simple word for this is selfihness. On the other hand, a marriage is unequalled in providing meaning and purpose for living, and especially living for another.          

The Conscience Is More Than Social Learning

Throughout the centuries, references have been made to a conscience. Sometimes it has been called a moral sensitivity, an inner knowledge. or a voice that idnetifies right and wrong, the good and bad. In the twentith century, it has been associated with religion, however, even secular humanists refer to a conscience; as do political and social theorists. It seems to be accepted distnct and universal attribute. Perhaps one of hte most intersting explanations of conscience or something like conscience, has been made by social biologists. In the writings of E.O. Wilson, the evolutionary biologist, there is an excellent account of how moral sensitivity or altruism has a genetic basis and improves reproductive fitness. 
 In most cases, the explanations such as those given by the social biologists ans some philosophers refer to something innate and inherited. Conscience is seen as part of the basic makeup of humans. 

It was long into the marriage when John discovered that the disputes about right and wrong were misguided activities. When he and Joan decided to change the goal to being good rahter than being right, the disputes seemed to evaporate. The advantage in an argument about right or wrong goes to the person who has hte best debating skills and is the most aggressive in the argument and that was not John. 

   Now, after John and his wife stopped approaching their disagreements by trying to determine who was right and instead asked each other, "What is the right thing to do?" things changed dramatically. When searching for what was good, John found he was not at a disadvantage. There was no advantage to the best debater, because they appealed to their conscience rather than intellect. Of course, they did not always get the same answer when they listened to their conscience. It was, however, easier to let go of their own position and consider the answer the other found when searching for what was good. This is hard to do when searching for what is right. Thus, if you believe you have a conscience you might as well use it and if you use your conscience you will come to realize how fast many personal disagreements will melt before your eyes when searching foro what it the good thing to do."

For most social psychologists, conscience refers to learning social norms. But, if you define conscience as simply the learning of social morals and taboos, you probably would have naswered this question in the negative because you can dispense with the belief in a conscience and simply explain it as the aquistition of cultural teachings about right and wrong. In philisophical discussions of ethics, something similar to an innate capacity to recognize and know about good and bad, right and wrong is frequently proposed. 
 So, now you see that it is also important that you come to some conclusion about whether you believe you have a conscience. If you do, then your conscience will become extremely important for becoming the best marriage partner.     

Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide In Your Marriage

 An appeal to conscience is found in all cultures in all times.

An artist can draw a picture of the conscinece sitting on a woman's shoulder, and whispering in her ear. This is a humorous visulization, but, let us hope that it doesn't trivialize this important resource for aquiring truth and knowledge. Maybe we should worry about the impact of the following conversation:

The postmodernist skeptic: So, you claim to be my conscience. Actuyally, you are nothing more than just an emotional reaction mixed with teh things taught while growing up: nothing more. 

The conscience: Sorry, but let me help you understand that in all these conversations we are having, you are not just talking to yourself. 

The postmodernist: Okay, so you exsist, but why do some people have you and some people don't? 

The conscience: I'm there for all. I am with people, however, there is no snse in sticking around if a person won't listen to me. I even leave when a person listens, but consistently choooses to act contrary to what I tell them. Yes, I can see why you would falsely conclude that some poeple don't have a conscience. 

The postmodernist: How convenient for you. You disappear when things don't go your way. 

The conscience: You don't understand my motives. I want to be with each and every person. My motivation is to stay and not leave. I'm always available, but each person can choose to tune me out. Furthermore, once a person freely chooses to act contrary to what I say, they do not want me to be with them. 

The postmodernist: Interesting; just what I thought. Freedom is more powerful than conscience. 

Conscience: Yes, but freedom needs conscience more than conscince needs freedom. 

At a later point in time, we will discuss about living free and truthful. You may be surprised to learn that living according to your conscience is the only way to truly live free. But, before discussing in more depth it is well known that people through all times and in all place report that they are able to be informed by their conscience.  People who recieve this type of guidance most often place it above all other forms knowledge. Some are so trusting and so dedicated to this knowledge, coming from their conscience, that they will forfiet their life rather than violate their conscience. It is rooted in the deepest feelings as well as intellect. 

  As mentioned, the problem with this kind of knowledge is that it does not give the same answers to all people. Everyone seems to have their own conscience and sometimes listening to one's conscience may cause  Person A to flee and Person B to fight.  Is there a way to reconcile these opposite responses both based on the conscience? 
 If you are to trust your own conscience it would be well to understand these contradicitons between what conscience tells different people. Can this problem be resolved? 

A most straightforward answer is that what is absolutely right for Person A might be absolutely wrong for Person B, based on the differences in the persons, the time, and the circumstances. This is due to context and is not to be confused with relativism. This does not mean that there is no absolute truth and that all is relative to each person's conscience. It means that each person recieves an assurity that they are acting according tot heir conscience, even though the answer may not be the same as that recieved by someone else. This, indeed, is a complex question. But, to live free you must come to terms with your own conscience, and decide to trust your conscience. Put conscience in the very center of your marriage, but before doing this, more needs to be said about following your conscince. 
 We will discuss this in next weeks' post.