The Serious Problem Of Categorization

Do Not Allow Categories To Become Judgement

Carl Rogers and other psychotherapists, druing the mid 1900's sought in their psycho therapy to be non-judgemental and accepting. Their emphasis was not on analysis or classification of the client, but on facilitationg growth. They believed that by creating a safe, positive, accepting and therapeutic climate, their client would just naturally start moving towards good mental health. They would like this story:

"I understand you so well."  "I've got you figured out," and "I know what kind of a person you are," is not what Helen wanted to hear. Yes, she, like most of us, would like to be understood, but not this way. She wanted to be understood, but not figured out, not analyzed into a type of a person. Her husband, similar to so many men, liked to solve problems. They we he solved peoples problemls was to first analyze the person and situation and then determine just what kind of personal classification he could make in order to find a solution. He did this with his wife, Helen. Once he had found the solution, Helen didn't even need to talk anymore. Helen undertood what was happening with her good intended husband and she explained the following to him:

Helen: "Jeff, thank you but no thank you for hte wonderful analysis. Your effort is appreciated, but I just want to run away and scream when someone thinks they have me all figured out. I would hate it even if it were true, but the truth is I know you error when you put me in a category and predict what I am going to do. That is just not the way people are. I would not do it to you because it is demeaning even if it were possible."

Jeff: "So, what do you want?"

Helen: "Thanks for asking. When I ask to be understood, I refer to the process of understanding not to a created product called "The Understanding Of Helen.".

Jeff: "A process?" 

Helen: "Yes, an activity where you listen and share my feelings, and try to comprehend what I am going through. It may not need a solution."

Jeff: "So, why do it?"

Helen: "This is going to take a long time."

In marriages, we want to know intimately whom we are relating with, or what kind of person we have in front of us. It is very natural when using an analytic technique to try and erect categories, even categories of people, and then to place even our loved ones into these constructed categories. The expected benefit is increased predictability of the other pseron because we think we know what kind of person is our partner, family membersi friends and loved ones. 
    There are serious disadvantages to the categorization procedure. Once categorized, the other person has a hard time changing because they tend to believe the category as well. But, even if they disbelieve the categorization and do change, others find it difficult to accept the change and thus the relationship does not evolve and is stuck where it is. 
     The way to avoid the problems of categorization is to be non-judgemental in the first place. One of the first benefits is that if you do not judge others, they are less likely to judge you. Generally, judgements are judgements of inadequacies rather than of strengths. If one accepts the fact that people are constantly changing then categories becomes less useful because people are constructed. 

     But, that is not just the accuracy of the judgement that is problematic. It is the judgement itself. The judgement usually is a criticism, and feeling criticism leads to defensiveness, withdrawl, hurt feelings, and therefore they typically are detrimental tot he relationship. If in your marriage you can be non-judgemental, non-critical and come to know your partner as a unique spirit, you will find the ways to resolve problems will come naturally. 
      In time, you can hope to become quite an artist in a way that will be described in a later post.