Love Better

Again, as mentioned before, there is no substitute for learning through personal experience. So, let us use your experience to answer questions about marriage. Let us also learn by choosing among alternatives for in almost all things there is and opposite; good and bad, strong and weak, ugly and beautiful, honest and dishonest, true and false. These never- ending differences can lead to oversimplifications, rigidity and dogmatism if approached intellectually. But, truly they cannot be ignored, for opposites constantly appear in life and just a study of any language will show that adjectives have opposites and are essential in making sense of the world. 

There are several ways we can interpret the opposites that we inevitably encounter. We could choose to deny their existence, but obviously, that will not lead to much wisdom. 
   The second approach would be to choose between the opposites, but to qualify our choices by considering where, when, and in what context we make the choice. For example: Is hot better than cold? Is loud better than quiet? Tact better than honesty? Well, you might say to these, "It just depends." It certainly does depend on where, when, and with whom or what you are dealing with. 
   Sometimes we must make a choice and act and at other times, we can choose both of the opposites. For example, in one of the choices you are asked if you think people are free agents, or determined by heredity and environment. The difference or choice is between defined logical opposites, but it is true that sometimes a person could be a free agent and at other times mostly determined by heredity and environment. 

   There are many choices before you regarding your marriage. They include: Should I change others for the better and/or accept others as they are? Is it better to be tolerant and/or to love? Is is better to receive and/or to give service? Should I use high power and/or low power when relating? Is it more important to remember the past and/or to forgive and forget?  Should I use others to help me and/or to help without expecting anything in return? 

   The value of  making choices among opposites is that it leads us to greater learning. At this time, you may still be skeptical about whether you are the best person to make these choices but to give it a try. You will find it more interesting, enjoyable,and more yielding of truth than being told what to believe.    

First Understand Another's Heart And Spirit

Bill knew someone had to help his wife become more social or at least more outgoing and skilled. She in turn thought it was her responsibility to help Bill become more spiritual. 
Now, whether these are desirable and appropriate intentions might be debated, but, that is how they felt. 

Bill was very direct and explained what he was doing as he ordered books and tapes for her instruction. He scheduled social engagements so that she could practice what she learned. Rewards for success were also part of the plan. 

Now, Rita's plan was based on activities. Church attendance was the foundation, but, prayer and scripture study was also an essential element. He could begin immediately and was informed that as progress was made, there would be many pleasing surprises in store for him. 

Both Bill and Rita's plan, ifi you might imagine, were complete disasters. The  main outcome of each was a giant increase in resentment. Bill, through introspection, determined that unless something was done quickly the resentment would turn into anger and hostility. So, he diffused the whole fiasco with humor. 

Soon both were laughing at the clumsiness and inappropriateness of what they had attempted. 

After light heartedly reviewing what has transpired, they discussed their desires for one another. Each listened to the other and could see the unselfishness in their failed attempts. Their hearts softened as they laughed at themselves. They they each said they would try to improve. Bill expressed that he would at least have a positive attitude towards the church and would be open to become more religious. Rita expressed that she was really afraid in social situations, but that the goal was beneficial to all concerned. So, she would seek out more positive social experience on her own, with no commitments, and no guarantees. In the few minutes following the laughter more was accomplished in weeks spent with Bill and Rita's well-planned programs to change each others behavior.  

The word "educate" is used because it refers to a broad range of activities to enhance the knowledge, actions, and feelings of another person. It does not refer specifically to teaching. Educate is a highly commendable term, and almost all people must educate in the course of their life. Parents educate, as do teachers, service workers, friends, pastors, and many admirable public servants. 
But, the goal of education is all - important. If we educate only for behavioral change much will be lacking. All of us have seen a relationship in which the parties argue tot he point that each agrees begrudgingly to change their actions only to satisfy the other person. Clearly, this is an inadequate outcome from a relationship point of view. 
     A much higher way to educate is to educate the heart or the spirit of another person. This usually cannot be done by telling or teaching, but can be done by sharing experiences, setting an example, modeling, and honestly sharing one's confidences and inner feelings in the hopes that the other person's heart will be touched or changed. We often call this a "softening of the heart" When a person's spirit or heart is changed, the behavior will follow. We all have experienced a change of heart and know that this kind of change is more meaningful because, it is change that can be trusted. 
      This now opens a discussion of becoming more loving.