It is easier to love when we see an "Eternal Spirit"
It
was hard for her to know how she could improve her husband, who was
clearly in need of help. On one occasion, she was considering a major
make-over and, being a religious woman, she decided that her upcoming
project needed help from on high. She turned to God, and recieved quite a
surprise. What she heard, to her surprise, was this, "Just focus on
you, I'm helping him in my own way." She later reported, "I then saw my
husband as a Child Spirit Of God."
Your
loved one is distinct and unique because of spirit, body, and mind. But
spirit, because it cannot be observed in a public and repeated fashion
is beyond the ability of scientists to study. But, this doesn't mean
that your spirit does not exist. It simply means that a psychologist
would not be able to study it as a unique spirit.
However, behavioral scientists also believe that no two
of us are exactly alike, even identical twins. It should be clear at
this point that the answer you gave to the preceding questions now have
an important bearin on a choice you can make about whether you believe
that you and your partner are unique spirits. This determines the way you will respond to your loved one. It is our observation that we are kinder, more considerate, patient, forgiving, and understanding when we realize the person standing before us is a unique and eternal spirit.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
The Serious Problem Of Categorization
Do Not Allow Categories To Become Judgement
Carl Rogers and other psychotherapists, druing the mid 1900's sought in their psycho therapy to be non-judgemental and accepting. Their emphasis was not on analysis or classification of the client, but on facilitationg growth. They believed that by creating a safe, positive, accepting and therapeutic climate, their client would just naturally start moving towards good mental health. They would like this story:
"I understand you so well." "I've got you figured out," and "I know what kind of a person you are," is not what Helen wanted to hear. Yes, she, like most of us, would like to be understood, but not this way. She wanted to be understood, but not figured out, not analyzed into a type of a person. Her husband, similar to so many men, liked to solve problems. They we he solved peoples problemls was to first analyze the person and situation and then determine just what kind of personal classification he could make in order to find a solution. He did this with his wife, Helen. Once he had found the solution, Helen didn't even need to talk anymore. Helen undertood what was happening with her good intended husband and she explained the following to him:
Helen: "Jeff, thank you but no thank you for hte wonderful analysis. Your effort is appreciated, but I just want to run away and scream when someone thinks they have me all figured out. I would hate it even if it were true, but the truth is I know you error when you put me in a category and predict what I am going to do. That is just not the way people are. I would not do it to you because it is demeaning even if it were possible."
Jeff: "So, what do you want?"
Helen: "Thanks for asking. When I ask to be understood, I refer to the process of understanding not to a created product called "The Understanding Of Helen.".
Jeff: "A process?"
Helen: "Yes, an activity where you listen and share my feelings, and try to comprehend what I am going through. It may not need a solution."
Jeff: "So, why do it?"
Helen: "This is going to take a long time."
In marriages, we want to know intimately whom we are relating with, or what kind of person we have in front of us. It is very natural when using an analytic technique to try and erect categories, even categories of people, and then to place even our loved ones into these constructed categories. The expected benefit is increased predictability of the other pseron because we think we know what kind of person is our partner, family membersi friends and loved ones.
There are serious disadvantages to the categorization procedure. Once categorized, the other person has a hard time changing because they tend to believe the category as well. But, even if they disbelieve the categorization and do change, others find it difficult to accept the change and thus the relationship does not evolve and is stuck where it is.
The way to avoid the problems of categorization is to be non-judgemental in the first place. One of the first benefits is that if you do not judge others, they are less likely to judge you. Generally, judgements are judgements of inadequacies rather than of strengths. If one accepts the fact that people are constantly changing then categories becomes less useful because people are constructed.
But, that is not just the accuracy of the judgement that is problematic. It is the judgement itself. The judgement usually is a criticism, and feeling criticism leads to defensiveness, withdrawl, hurt feelings, and therefore they typically are detrimental tot he relationship. If in your marriage you can be non-judgemental, non-critical and come to know your partner as a unique spirit, you will find the ways to resolve problems will come naturally.
In time, you can hope to become quite an artist in a way that will be described in a later post.
Carl Rogers and other psychotherapists, druing the mid 1900's sought in their psycho therapy to be non-judgemental and accepting. Their emphasis was not on analysis or classification of the client, but on facilitationg growth. They believed that by creating a safe, positive, accepting and therapeutic climate, their client would just naturally start moving towards good mental health. They would like this story:
"I understand you so well." "I've got you figured out," and "I know what kind of a person you are," is not what Helen wanted to hear. Yes, she, like most of us, would like to be understood, but not this way. She wanted to be understood, but not figured out, not analyzed into a type of a person. Her husband, similar to so many men, liked to solve problems. They we he solved peoples problemls was to first analyze the person and situation and then determine just what kind of personal classification he could make in order to find a solution. He did this with his wife, Helen. Once he had found the solution, Helen didn't even need to talk anymore. Helen undertood what was happening with her good intended husband and she explained the following to him:
Helen: "Jeff, thank you but no thank you for hte wonderful analysis. Your effort is appreciated, but I just want to run away and scream when someone thinks they have me all figured out. I would hate it even if it were true, but the truth is I know you error when you put me in a category and predict what I am going to do. That is just not the way people are. I would not do it to you because it is demeaning even if it were possible."
Jeff: "So, what do you want?"
Helen: "Thanks for asking. When I ask to be understood, I refer to the process of understanding not to a created product called "The Understanding Of Helen.".
Jeff: "A process?"
Helen: "Yes, an activity where you listen and share my feelings, and try to comprehend what I am going through. It may not need a solution."
Jeff: "So, why do it?"
Helen: "This is going to take a long time."
In marriages, we want to know intimately whom we are relating with, or what kind of person we have in front of us. It is very natural when using an analytic technique to try and erect categories, even categories of people, and then to place even our loved ones into these constructed categories. The expected benefit is increased predictability of the other pseron because we think we know what kind of person is our partner, family membersi friends and loved ones.
There are serious disadvantages to the categorization procedure. Once categorized, the other person has a hard time changing because they tend to believe the category as well. But, even if they disbelieve the categorization and do change, others find it difficult to accept the change and thus the relationship does not evolve and is stuck where it is.
The way to avoid the problems of categorization is to be non-judgemental in the first place. One of the first benefits is that if you do not judge others, they are less likely to judge you. Generally, judgements are judgements of inadequacies rather than of strengths. If one accepts the fact that people are constantly changing then categories becomes less useful because people are constructed.
But, that is not just the accuracy of the judgement that is problematic. It is the judgement itself. The judgement usually is a criticism, and feeling criticism leads to defensiveness, withdrawl, hurt feelings, and therefore they typically are detrimental tot he relationship. If in your marriage you can be non-judgemental, non-critical and come to know your partner as a unique spirit, you will find the ways to resolve problems will come naturally.
In time, you can hope to become quite an artist in a way that will be described in a later post.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Let's Talk About Behavior
Behavoir is caused by perceptions at the moment of action
This is such a key and important point. The following story and discussion may be helpful to grasp the concept.
Henry was an embarrassment for his wife at parties. He just acted to impress, grabbing all the attention he could, and worst of all bragging about himself. "Where did he learn to be like this?" she asked. What could she do? Could he be re-socialized in how to act? Could she teach him how to impress the right way? No, that would take forever. He was hopeless. He should have learned basic social skills during his youth and besides, how can you teach a person to have social sensibilities anyway? No, the answer is no. He was driving her crazy. When she criticized his bragging, he just got worse.
The answer to her predicament came as if in a mental vision. She saw him as a little boy with his male friends each trying to out-do the other with made up achievements. He just wanted to be more important and accepted. Knowing or perciving this, her whole apporach changed. Instead of trying to bring him down, in order for him to accept he had a bragging problem, and had nothing to brag about, she instead told him how important he was to her and how she appreciated what he did as a husband. Now that she knew what to do, she didn't worry about how long this was going to take.
In social situations, she now saw the same boy trying to impress and she knew that this was no fun for him either. Sheitried to touch his spirit to give him a feeling of importance. She knew that someday he would find all the bragging unnecessary.
Two good thing happened. First, she was not so annoyed, and secondly, he gradually changed.
Even if a person is not totally a product of heredity and environment we will know more about the person if we can learn about the past environment and heredity. Thus, we consider the past to understand the present. But, simply understanding the past will not provide the ability to predict the future behavior. A better way to understand future behavior is to focus on a person's perceptions at the momoent of action. This is the essence of living free. Of course, past experiences do influence the present perceptions, but the word is influence, not cause. Another popular alternative in psychology is to say that the past influences persent behavior by changing the mind or cognitions of the person.
Present perceptions or cognitions, at the moment of action, are among other factors to consider along with the spirit of the person, the situation, and the presence of absence of contributing factors. But, while the past may influence present perceptions, it doesn't cause perceptions, and thus, doesn't entirely cause behavior.
A more accurate and meaningful way to understand a person is to study how they now percive the world. If their perceptions are faulty, inaccuarte, or in other ways in error, then these percetpions can be influenced for the better, but, it is not necessary to go back and change the persons past to change persent perceptions. We can view loved ones as having Free Agency, then, help them have more accurate and honest perceptions.
But even more important than perceptions is the spirit within. It is much more important to discern, feel and reach another spirit than intellectually analyze their past if you want a more accurate, honest and complete understanding your marriage.
This is such a key and important point. The following story and discussion may be helpful to grasp the concept.
Henry was an embarrassment for his wife at parties. He just acted to impress, grabbing all the attention he could, and worst of all bragging about himself. "Where did he learn to be like this?" she asked. What could she do? Could he be re-socialized in how to act? Could she teach him how to impress the right way? No, that would take forever. He was hopeless. He should have learned basic social skills during his youth and besides, how can you teach a person to have social sensibilities anyway? No, the answer is no. He was driving her crazy. When she criticized his bragging, he just got worse.
The answer to her predicament came as if in a mental vision. She saw him as a little boy with his male friends each trying to out-do the other with made up achievements. He just wanted to be more important and accepted. Knowing or perciving this, her whole apporach changed. Instead of trying to bring him down, in order for him to accept he had a bragging problem, and had nothing to brag about, she instead told him how important he was to her and how she appreciated what he did as a husband. Now that she knew what to do, she didn't worry about how long this was going to take.
In social situations, she now saw the same boy trying to impress and she knew that this was no fun for him either. Sheitried to touch his spirit to give him a feeling of importance. She knew that someday he would find all the bragging unnecessary.
Two good thing happened. First, she was not so annoyed, and secondly, he gradually changed.
Even if a person is not totally a product of heredity and environment we will know more about the person if we can learn about the past environment and heredity. Thus, we consider the past to understand the present. But, simply understanding the past will not provide the ability to predict the future behavior. A better way to understand future behavior is to focus on a person's perceptions at the momoent of action. This is the essence of living free. Of course, past experiences do influence the present perceptions, but the word is influence, not cause. Another popular alternative in psychology is to say that the past influences persent behavior by changing the mind or cognitions of the person.
Present perceptions or cognitions, at the moment of action, are among other factors to consider along with the spirit of the person, the situation, and the presence of absence of contributing factors. But, while the past may influence present perceptions, it doesn't cause perceptions, and thus, doesn't entirely cause behavior.
A more accurate and meaningful way to understand a person is to study how they now percive the world. If their perceptions are faulty, inaccuarte, or in other ways in error, then these percetpions can be influenced for the better, but, it is not necessary to go back and change the persons past to change persent perceptions. We can view loved ones as having Free Agency, then, help them have more accurate and honest perceptions.
But even more important than perceptions is the spirit within. It is much more important to discern, feel and reach another spirit than intellectually analyze their past if you want a more accurate, honest and complete understanding your marriage.
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