In Your Marriage: Use As Little Power As Possible

Imagine two men who were married the same day and unknowingly moved into the same neighborhood. they and their brides were about the same age and background. Jake was a strong and powerful man who used a loud voice and definite gestures to communicate what he wanted from his wife and would consistently follow though with ample rewards or negative reactions. 

Mike on the other hand also had similar expectations but used little social, personal, emotional, of physical power, even in voice or communication, to bring about what he wanted from his wife. You might guess that Jake's wife was a little more on task to say the least. It would seem that Mike would have little less influence on his wife and success in bringing about what he wanted in marriage. 

But, when a marriage is evaluated in terms of devotion, dedication, and the feeling of togetherness the results look very different after many years. 

In your opinion would Mike's relationship built on low emotional, persuasive, or physical power prove to be more rewarding and require less effort to maintain in the long run? It just occurred to me that you might even like Mike's approach for the short term. 
      We sometimes describe a person in positive terms as being powerful. These are people who have at their disposal wealth, influence, and other ways to either subtly or directly force others into doing their will. 
     In relationships, we also see this as a person who is dominant in the relationship.  and can use their many powers, including subtle ones of verbal persuasion, and emotion to influence and relate. This individual is often considered the successful person. 
     A researcher analyzed all the parenting techniques and the outcomes associated with them. A general conclusion emerged. It was that the use of low power by parents was associated with more positive outcomes in children. The reason for this may not entirely clear, but part of it is due to the better relationship that emerge when the relationship is not based on using power to influence one another. 
     The successful parents relied on low power methods such as sharing feelings, mutual problem solving, and developing consideration for the well being of the other. This finding will apply to all human relationships. So, in relationships, use as little power as possible. 

Love Better

Again, as mentioned before, there is no substitute for learning through personal experience. So, let us use your experience to answer questions about marriage. Let us also learn by choosing among alternatives for in almost all things there is and opposite; good and bad, strong and weak, ugly and beautiful, honest and dishonest, true and false. These never- ending differences can lead to oversimplifications, rigidity and dogmatism if approached intellectually. But, truly they cannot be ignored, for opposites constantly appear in life and just a study of any language will show that adjectives have opposites and are essential in making sense of the world. 

There are several ways we can interpret the opposites that we inevitably encounter. We could choose to deny their existence, but obviously, that will not lead to much wisdom. 
   The second approach would be to choose between the opposites, but to qualify our choices by considering where, when, and in what context we make the choice. For example: Is hot better than cold? Is loud better than quiet? Tact better than honesty? Well, you might say to these, "It just depends." It certainly does depend on where, when, and with whom or what you are dealing with. 
   Sometimes we must make a choice and act and at other times, we can choose both of the opposites. For example, in one of the choices you are asked if you think people are free agents, or determined by heredity and environment. The difference or choice is between defined logical opposites, but it is true that sometimes a person could be a free agent and at other times mostly determined by heredity and environment. 

   There are many choices before you regarding your marriage. They include: Should I change others for the better and/or accept others as they are? Is it better to be tolerant and/or to love? Is is better to receive and/or to give service? Should I use high power and/or low power when relating? Is it more important to remember the past and/or to forgive and forget?  Should I use others to help me and/or to help without expecting anything in return? 

   The value of  making choices among opposites is that it leads us to greater learning. At this time, you may still be skeptical about whether you are the best person to make these choices but to give it a try. You will find it more interesting, enjoyable,and more yielding of truth than being told what to believe.    

First Understand Another's Heart And Spirit

Bill knew someone had to help his wife become more social or at least more outgoing and skilled. She in turn thought it was her responsibility to help Bill become more spiritual. 
Now, whether these are desirable and appropriate intentions might be debated, but, that is how they felt. 

Bill was very direct and explained what he was doing as he ordered books and tapes for her instruction. He scheduled social engagements so that she could practice what she learned. Rewards for success were also part of the plan. 

Now, Rita's plan was based on activities. Church attendance was the foundation, but, prayer and scripture study was also an essential element. He could begin immediately and was informed that as progress was made, there would be many pleasing surprises in store for him. 

Both Bill and Rita's plan, ifi you might imagine, were complete disasters. The  main outcome of each was a giant increase in resentment. Bill, through introspection, determined that unless something was done quickly the resentment would turn into anger and hostility. So, he diffused the whole fiasco with humor. 

Soon both were laughing at the clumsiness and inappropriateness of what they had attempted. 

After light heartedly reviewing what has transpired, they discussed their desires for one another. Each listened to the other and could see the unselfishness in their failed attempts. Their hearts softened as they laughed at themselves. They they each said they would try to improve. Bill expressed that he would at least have a positive attitude towards the church and would be open to become more religious. Rita expressed that she was really afraid in social situations, but that the goal was beneficial to all concerned. So, she would seek out more positive social experience on her own, with no commitments, and no guarantees. In the few minutes following the laughter more was accomplished in weeks spent with Bill and Rita's well-planned programs to change each others behavior.  

The word "educate" is used because it refers to a broad range of activities to enhance the knowledge, actions, and feelings of another person. It does not refer specifically to teaching. Educate is a highly commendable term, and almost all people must educate in the course of their life. Parents educate, as do teachers, service workers, friends, pastors, and many admirable public servants. 
But, the goal of education is all - important. If we educate only for behavioral change much will be lacking. All of us have seen a relationship in which the parties argue tot he point that each agrees begrudgingly to change their actions only to satisfy the other person. Clearly, this is an inadequate outcome from a relationship point of view. 
     A much higher way to educate is to educate the heart or the spirit of another person. This usually cannot be done by telling or teaching, but can be done by sharing experiences, setting an example, modeling, and honestly sharing one's confidences and inner feelings in the hopes that the other person's heart will be touched or changed. We often call this a "softening of the heart" When a person's spirit or heart is changed, the behavior will follow. We all have experienced a change of heart and know that this kind of change is more meaningful because, it is change that can be trusted. 
      This now opens a discussion of becoming more loving.  

Absolute Truths In Concrete Situations

  Jon's son had stolen from him repeatedly over the years. Ffinally, the truth was out and both family and friends said to kick Mike out of the house. This drastic action would help Mike realize the natural consequences of his actions; he was old enough to take care of himself now and Jon could not afford further losses.

But Jon did not feel comfortable about this course of action, so he called Mike in to talk it over. The son pleaded to stay, saying it would never happen again. Jon knew his friends were correct in saying that his son would steal again, but something in Jon made him feel that he would take him back in the home anyway. This he did with no uncertainty. He just knew what he should do. 

Well, Jon's family and friends were right, and one year later, Jon was faced with the same dishonest actions of the dishonest son. Jon called him in again, and Mike was the first to say, "Father, I cannot live here any longer. I am so ashamed of myself. I must move out and I am sorry for disappointing you especially after you gave me a second chance. I don't want to be dishonest and a thief, but, until I change I can't face you. Thanks for giving me a second chance." He left without waiting for a reply. 

Jon knew, stronger than before, and with certainty, he had done right in letting his son stay for that last year. 

If there is nothing other than matter and energy then all truths are simply descriptions of fact. And, when it comes to Moral Statements of ought to, there can be no moral preference, absolutes, or a surety about what is more moral because these are not considered facts. This is the foundation for relativism. And relativism leads to a great deficiency in dealing with the meaningful life in a marriage. 

 On the other hand, if a marraige exists, if conscience sxists, and if a Supreme Being exists, then why not use these sources to know right and wrong, good and bad. What is learned may not be a deduction or application from absolute laws. Instead, it sometimes happens that knowledge is there for the unique individual in a specific context or situation.  Thus, one doesn't have to depend on having abstract or moral laws to obtain certaintly of right or wrong. Instead one can find a right or wrong by using intution, moral sensitivity, conscience, prayer, and in a broad sense, direct revelation or knowledge. These are associated with the spiritual nature or conscience of a person. It is possible to know what is right, good or desirable in an absolute way, but it is only known in the concrete situation. 

True Understanding

True understanding is revealed by both intellect and conscience. 

Saul had a talent for making good decisions. Around his desk could be found scraps of paper listing the pros and cons in a right or left hand column. Always there were many such pages for each decision. Now, Saul's youongest son caused him to use more and more paper. Over the years, there were many decisions. At first, the questions were simple, like whether money spent on a pet would really help him become a better person. Next, questions came about attending an alternate school, the pros and cons of a special summer camp, and and should he pay for traveling costs in a performing group. Later, the questions were more expensive, like loaning money, maintaining a car, help with taxes, help with a troubled relationship, and hte list could continue. 

These and many, many more decisions were always there and Saul received constant counsel from others that he was producing a spoiled child. Saul listened with interest to the opinions of others, repeatedly  made his lists of pros and cons and in almost all cases ignored the results of his listings when it came to his son. Instead, he went with his conscience,he went with his heart. In the early years there was no gratitude shown, and he recieved little respect from the son. But, Saul saw in this son a good person with a kind heart, and his insights could not be calculated intellectually, nor could it be easily entered into the logical reasoning processs that typically guided his decisions year after year. 
   
  After many years, Saul can now see a young man, working full time, attending the university, and in many other ways being a very responsible person. Saul now knows that he made the right intuitive decisions in the face of contrary advice and reasoning. 

We all need insights to understand other people, and, of course, reasoning or using our intellect is still the traditional and time- honored method used to arrive at insights. However, if one examines the histories of great discoveries, we find that the greatest discoveries often came in unexpected moments and in ways that were not predicted. Researchers have tried to find the rules that govern the creative discovery and usually find that for the well- trained person, they often have to back away from an exclusive rational approach. 
   Creative dicvoeries often come from some kind of subconscious or unexepected, novel, new, visual, or auditory experience. 
   Because most of our dealings with people often have a moral component, the insights to understand their moral nature often comes from our moral sensitivity or what we have been calling conscience. The best way to understand and treat another is frequently revealed by our conscience rather than or in addition to a rational, intellectual or scientific analysis. This concept is very applicable to marriages, where so many difficulties are over moral issues.  

Understanding Others Is An Art

She loved her young son who was quite strong willed for a preschooler. One day, as many children do, he yelled at his mother. Actually the words, "I hate you!". Instead of punishing him for disrespect and bad language, the insightful mother had another response. She put her hand on his chest. And said, "Let us listen to what your heart says." After listening intensely she kindly looked at him and said she heard his heart say, "I love my mother, but I'm just mad." She did it again, as he held still waiting for another answer, but it was still the same answer came. He was tickled and the whole situation was immediately defused. Then for many times afterwards when this boy made a mistake, or has a similar problem, he would turn to his mother and exclaim, "Tell me what my heart says". To both of their delights she put her ear on his chest and always heard something good. 

The academic disciplines responsible for understanding humans have come to define themselves as a science. This is understandable because science has been successful in explaining the natural world. If you want to understand self and others in a scientific way, you would, as stated earlier, conduct experiments, or draw information from those who have conducted research on human beings.  From these experiments you would as stated earlier create the laws hat govern behavior. Next you would apply these laws Ina systematic way to yourself, and others whom you have analyzed. You might then say that you approached understanding self and others in a scientific manner, and certainly nothing is wrong undoing this. 

On the other hand, the understanding of self and others might be better conceived as an art. If each individual is a unique spirit, the spirit must be considered for an adequate understanding; and science does not offer the requisite information; or at least must offer incomplete information a out the spirit. Knowing this, and also knowing that you must come to some understanding of both yourself and your partner, ten it would be wise to obtain information from other sources. To do his you can turn to many other valuable sources of truth and knowledge. Besides gaining outside information, you can come to know the loved one through direct face- to- face interactions  and experiences. 

      Thus, as you can see much more is needed to understand a unique changing human being. Subjective judgements must be made.  The situation must be considered, and you need to see who the person is, why they are feeling, and respond to the spirit as well as to the body. 

   When using  these types of approaches to understand  a person and combining them all together, even with scientific principles, you are in a very complicated and creative endeavor.   

   Those that are good at doing this truly are artists.  It is not done with a formula but with wisdom, creative insight, and even intuition. 

See The "Eternal Spirit" In Your Beloved One

It is easier to love when we see an "Eternal Spirit"

It was hard for her to know how she could improve her husband, who was clearly in need of help. On one occasion, she was considering a major make-over and, being a religious woman, she decided that her upcoming project needed help from on high. She turned to God, and recieved quite a surprise. What she heard, to her surprise, was this, "Just focus on you, I'm helping him in my own way." She later reported, "I then saw my husband as a Child Spirit Of God."

Your loved one is distinct and unique because of spirit, body, and mind. But spirit, because it cannot be observed in a public and repeated fashion is beyond the ability of scientists to study. But, this doesn't mean that your spirit does not exist. It simply means that a psychologist would not be able to study it as a unique spirit. 

     However, behavioral scientists also believe that no two of us are exactly alike, even identical twins. It should be clear at this point that the answer you gave to the preceding questions now have an important bearin on a choice you can make about whether you believe that you and your partner are unique spirits. This determines the way you will respond to your loved one. It is our observation that we are kinder, more considerate, patient, forgiving, and understanding when we realize the person standing before us is a unique and eternal spirit. 

The Serious Problem Of Categorization

Do Not Allow Categories To Become Judgement

Carl Rogers and other psychotherapists, druing the mid 1900's sought in their psycho therapy to be non-judgemental and accepting. Their emphasis was not on analysis or classification of the client, but on facilitationg growth. They believed that by creating a safe, positive, accepting and therapeutic climate, their client would just naturally start moving towards good mental health. They would like this story:

"I understand you so well."  "I've got you figured out," and "I know what kind of a person you are," is not what Helen wanted to hear. Yes, she, like most of us, would like to be understood, but not this way. She wanted to be understood, but not figured out, not analyzed into a type of a person. Her husband, similar to so many men, liked to solve problems. They we he solved peoples problemls was to first analyze the person and situation and then determine just what kind of personal classification he could make in order to find a solution. He did this with his wife, Helen. Once he had found the solution, Helen didn't even need to talk anymore. Helen undertood what was happening with her good intended husband and she explained the following to him:

Helen: "Jeff, thank you but no thank you for hte wonderful analysis. Your effort is appreciated, but I just want to run away and scream when someone thinks they have me all figured out. I would hate it even if it were true, but the truth is I know you error when you put me in a category and predict what I am going to do. That is just not the way people are. I would not do it to you because it is demeaning even if it were possible."

Jeff: "So, what do you want?"

Helen: "Thanks for asking. When I ask to be understood, I refer to the process of understanding not to a created product called "The Understanding Of Helen.".

Jeff: "A process?" 

Helen: "Yes, an activity where you listen and share my feelings, and try to comprehend what I am going through. It may not need a solution."

Jeff: "So, why do it?"

Helen: "This is going to take a long time."

In marriages, we want to know intimately whom we are relating with, or what kind of person we have in front of us. It is very natural when using an analytic technique to try and erect categories, even categories of people, and then to place even our loved ones into these constructed categories. The expected benefit is increased predictability of the other pseron because we think we know what kind of person is our partner, family membersi friends and loved ones. 
    There are serious disadvantages to the categorization procedure. Once categorized, the other person has a hard time changing because they tend to believe the category as well. But, even if they disbelieve the categorization and do change, others find it difficult to accept the change and thus the relationship does not evolve and is stuck where it is. 
     The way to avoid the problems of categorization is to be non-judgemental in the first place. One of the first benefits is that if you do not judge others, they are less likely to judge you. Generally, judgements are judgements of inadequacies rather than of strengths. If one accepts the fact that people are constantly changing then categories becomes less useful because people are constructed. 

     But, that is not just the accuracy of the judgement that is problematic. It is the judgement itself. The judgement usually is a criticism, and feeling criticism leads to defensiveness, withdrawl, hurt feelings, and therefore they typically are detrimental tot he relationship. If in your marriage you can be non-judgemental, non-critical and come to know your partner as a unique spirit, you will find the ways to resolve problems will come naturally. 
      In time, you can hope to become quite an artist in a way that will be described in a later post.     
           

Let's Talk About Behavior

Behavoir is caused by perceptions at the moment of action

    This is such a key and important point. The following story and discussion may be helpful to grasp the concept. 


Henry was an embarrassment for his wife at parties. He just acted to impress, grabbing all the attention he could, and worst of all bragging about himself. "Where did he learn to be like this?" she asked. What could she do? Could he be re-socialized in how to act? Could she teach him how to impress the right way? No, that would take forever. He was hopeless. He should have learned basic social skills during his youth and besides, how can you teach a person to have social sensibilities anyway? No, the answer is no. He was driving her crazy. When she criticized his bragging, he just got worse. 

 The answer to her predicament came as if in a mental vision. She saw him as a little boy with his male friends each trying to out-do the other with made up achievements. He just wanted to be more important and accepted. Knowing or perciving this, her whole apporach changed. Instead of trying to bring him down, in order for him to accept he had a bragging problem, and had nothing to brag about, she instead told him how important he was to her and how she appreciated what he did as a husband. Now that she knew what to do, she didn't worry about how long this was going to take. 

In social situations, she now saw the same boy trying to impress and she knew that this was no fun for him either. Sheitried to touch his spirit to give him a feeling of importance. She knew that someday he would find all the bragging unnecessary. 
  
   Two good thing happened. First, she was not so annoyed, and secondly, he gradually changed. 

Even if a person is not totally a product of heredity and environment we will know more about the person if we can learn about the past environment and heredity. Thus, we consider the past to understand the present. But, simply understanding the past will not provide the ability to predict the future behavior. A better way to understand future behavior is to focus on a person's perceptions at the momoent of action. This is the essence of living free. Of course, past experiences do influence the present perceptions, but the word is influence, not cause. Another popular alternative in psychology is to say that the past influences persent behavior by changing the mind or cognitions of the person. 
  Present perceptions or cognitions, at the moment of action, are among other factors to consider along with the spirit of the person, the situation, and the presence of absence of contributing factors. But, while the past may influence present perceptions, it doesn't cause perceptions, and thus, doesn't entirely cause behavior. 
A more accurate and meaningful way to understand a person is to study how they now percive the world. If their perceptions are faulty, inaccuarte, or in other ways in error, then these percetpions can be influenced for the better, but, it is not necessary to go back and change the persons past to change persent perceptions. We can view loved ones as having Free Agency, then, help them have more accurate and honest perceptions. 
But even more important than perceptions is the spirit within. It is much more important to discern, feel and reach another spirit than intellectually analyze their past if you want a more accurate, honest and complete understanding your marriage.

Unique Persons In Unique Circumstances

The Best Answers Are Created For Unique Persons In Unique Circumstances. 

People like to categorize the world because it helps them economize time and effort. If we can put people into classes or groups then we can treat them according tot he classification, and life is easier. This approach to understanding people may be attractive, but it has real disadvantages because the action is based on error. To avoid this error, build your marriage, on the belief that each partner is unique and this is good. In the following example, a mother learned to treat each child differently. 

   A very religious mother had a problem she could not solve so she turned to prayer to find a way to help her child get over having to have a bottle. An elaborate plan was unfolded and the next day, she took her child to a dumpster and told him to throw out all the bottles into the dumperst. It was fun! Together, they said "Good- bye, bottles!" They then went to the store, and as previously discussed, they selected a sack of favorite treats. The next time the child wanted a bottle, she just brought out the sack of treats and it worked like a charm. 

 Naturally, when the problem came up with her next little boy, she did the same routine. Note that she was using hte same ruyle or concept that worked so well before, but, this little boy was different. He went along as the first child the first day, and had fun throwing the bottles into the dumpster. 
  
But, later that day when he asked for a bottle and she brought out the sack of treats, he took one look, tossed the whole sack as far as he could, and shouted, "I want my bottle!" For this child, a different answerw was needed. 

Again. the mother turned to prayer and ask why the inspriation that had worked befre failed here. 

The answer: "You didn't ask me what to do for this child."

When we are analytical, factual, and rational in analyzing a problem, we usually seek to find a principle or a law that regualtes whatever we are observing. When the same problem emerges, again we remember the principle and apply it. This makes sense if all people are the same. But each person is unique. Notice that after one century of psychological research, there are not many laws of behavior that have unanimous agreement, or even some close tot he consensual agreement similar to these found in the natural and physical sciences. 
this tells us something about human individuality. 
      But another observation is that theoretical laws often do not work because of the unique circumstances that surround each person. Thus it is more productive to seek ways to understand others in the given situtation at the moment. The best answers or solutions are often created in the moment for a special person that is like no other and ina situation that is like no other. This is what happens in marriages.

The Most Important Part Of Your Identity Is Already Established

I have been observing an increased resistance to change, acceptence of responsibility and, this topic of Identity that my Father has been lecturing and writing about for decades. 
 As a woman living in a modern era, I have found this topic to me very personal because, in many ways, us women find it so important to find ourselves. As my father mentioned last week, many little girls are taught and told that they, "Don't need a man to define who they are", and I have myself, been back lashed on a social media because I said once that "I couldn't imagine my life with out my sweetheart" and that "he is the better half of me". Some were nay sayers from men, but the men were saying things like I sounded like a little girl that did not know what love was. The others were women who were actually belittling to me and said that I am co- dependant on my sweetheart and that I was basing my relationship on sand and not a solid true view of love. They were especially bothered by the fact that I said he was truly a part of me. 
 My mom and dad will be the first people to tell you how independant I am. My mom once said, "Well, we can tell Dena this or that, but she sure will make her own decisions". This rings true for all my siblings. In our own way, although we are a very close knit and large family, we all have found our identity and indiviuality in our family, with our spouses, and with our world as we live in all parts of the world and USA. 
  For the women who feel like they will lose their independence if they find their identity with their spouse, I challenge you. 
 I challenge you because I feel that I am more liberated and more "free" than you. I feel this way because I feel like we women will find more freedom in embracing that we need families and spouses in order to have our place in society. Children need to see a good functioning relaionship with a loving mother and father in order to see how they can work out in their life, relationships work. I am talking about a good healthy and safe environment. Let's face it, women! There are somethings we women just can not do!! And men, there are somethings you can't do without us! 
I have for years fought this "depend on those you love", for years.  But, I have realized that I do need those I love in my life and part of that is undertanding that I can still be me, be individual, and still find myself with my loved ones, and especially my sweetheart. 
 Changing yourself and becoming a better person is finding that you actually can be more better defined when you have a good spouse at your side who loves you and you both edify each other. 
     Take Care, Dena Jensen

Now for the regular post from my father::

What if you married a person like Ruth? Ruth is full of expressive love for her God, who she literally worships. She prays in the morning and throughout the day, and at night; always giving thanks and saying she submits her will to Him. Many a man has married a woman like Ruth. Logically it doesn't look good for the new husband. He certainly will always be second place and Ruth's husband's will is gong to plae in comparison to His will. For Ruth, God will be her head. 

John thought and worried about this when he married Ruth, but found to his surprise that Ruth was a delightful wife. Even though Ruth always saw herself as a daughter of God, she was equally as comfortable as being the wife of John. Relating with God adds for Ruth, not diminishes the totality of being a woman. Ruth moved through life being known by her children, friends, and even John as a woman of God. Beginning with her relationship with God, Ruth became a greater person than she could have been alone. 

On the surface, it appears that some think little about God. A supreme being seems to have no part in their life. But, that may not be a complete and accurate picture. A common observation among soldiers is that in the foxhole, men who had nothing to do with God were capable of praying, or as they say in the military, "You find God in the foxhole", Is there, for all persons a latent concern or awareness of God? Is this activated when extreme circumstances evoke a dormant knowledge? I don't know the answer to these questions. I am well aware of public opinion polls, survey data, and historic documentation revealing that people that have been through the centuries and world wide expressed not only an interest, but proclaimed a definite and sure knowledge of God. 
    God is almost always understood in terms of personal lives. The Ancient Greeks, for example, prayed, sacrificed, and asked favors of distant, non-loving and not so admirable Gods. Relating with God is even more personal with many modern Christians who believe God the Eternal Father is a kind Heavenly PArent who has personal love and concern for each of his children. 
     In such a case it is easy to see how a God, who is a father, who is involved daily in one's life, becomes part of a person's identity. The inclusion of Godf as a part of one's identity thus dramatically impacts beliefs, desires, and all that a person thinks about, and certainly the choices made. 
     IF you are a person who believes in God then the understanding of your relationship with God will truly be essential for adequate self- understanding of those you love. In such a case, God becomes part of your marriage that will enhance the meaning and possibilities for making you a better marriage partner.