In Your Marriage: Use As Little Power As Possible

Imagine two men who were married the same day and unknowingly moved into the same neighborhood. they and their brides were about the same age and background. Jake was a strong and powerful man who used a loud voice and definite gestures to communicate what he wanted from his wife and would consistently follow though with ample rewards or negative reactions. 

Mike on the other hand also had similar expectations but used little social, personal, emotional, of physical power, even in voice or communication, to bring about what he wanted from his wife. You might guess that Jake's wife was a little more on task to say the least. It would seem that Mike would have little less influence on his wife and success in bringing about what he wanted in marriage. 

But, when a marriage is evaluated in terms of devotion, dedication, and the feeling of togetherness the results look very different after many years. 

In your opinion would Mike's relationship built on low emotional, persuasive, or physical power prove to be more rewarding and require less effort to maintain in the long run? It just occurred to me that you might even like Mike's approach for the short term. 
      We sometimes describe a person in positive terms as being powerful. These are people who have at their disposal wealth, influence, and other ways to either subtly or directly force others into doing their will. 
     In relationships, we also see this as a person who is dominant in the relationship.  and can use their many powers, including subtle ones of verbal persuasion, and emotion to influence and relate. This individual is often considered the successful person. 
     A researcher analyzed all the parenting techniques and the outcomes associated with them. A general conclusion emerged. It was that the use of low power by parents was associated with more positive outcomes in children. The reason for this may not entirely clear, but part of it is due to the better relationship that emerge when the relationship is not based on using power to influence one another. 
     The successful parents relied on low power methods such as sharing feelings, mutual problem solving, and developing consideration for the well being of the other. This finding will apply to all human relationships. So, in relationships, use as little power as possible. 

Love Better

Again, as mentioned before, there is no substitute for learning through personal experience. So, let us use your experience to answer questions about marriage. Let us also learn by choosing among alternatives for in almost all things there is and opposite; good and bad, strong and weak, ugly and beautiful, honest and dishonest, true and false. These never- ending differences can lead to oversimplifications, rigidity and dogmatism if approached intellectually. But, truly they cannot be ignored, for opposites constantly appear in life and just a study of any language will show that adjectives have opposites and are essential in making sense of the world. 

There are several ways we can interpret the opposites that we inevitably encounter. We could choose to deny their existence, but obviously, that will not lead to much wisdom. 
   The second approach would be to choose between the opposites, but to qualify our choices by considering where, when, and in what context we make the choice. For example: Is hot better than cold? Is loud better than quiet? Tact better than honesty? Well, you might say to these, "It just depends." It certainly does depend on where, when, and with whom or what you are dealing with. 
   Sometimes we must make a choice and act and at other times, we can choose both of the opposites. For example, in one of the choices you are asked if you think people are free agents, or determined by heredity and environment. The difference or choice is between defined logical opposites, but it is true that sometimes a person could be a free agent and at other times mostly determined by heredity and environment. 

   There are many choices before you regarding your marriage. They include: Should I change others for the better and/or accept others as they are? Is it better to be tolerant and/or to love? Is is better to receive and/or to give service? Should I use high power and/or low power when relating? Is it more important to remember the past and/or to forgive and forget?  Should I use others to help me and/or to help without expecting anything in return? 

   The value of  making choices among opposites is that it leads us to greater learning. At this time, you may still be skeptical about whether you are the best person to make these choices but to give it a try. You will find it more interesting, enjoyable,and more yielding of truth than being told what to believe.