People can experience dramtic change if they first have a change of heart.
It would be encouraging if we could only change slowly and in small steps. So here is good news.
There was once a 6 ft. 2 in. 240lb. young man who was strong, quick, stubborn,
and had a temper at times. Some would say he was a little on the rough
side as he smoked, occasionally got drunk, and went to parties with a
rough crowd.
I tell this story because all this stopped. Not gradually either. But very quickly.
One day, I asked him how, unlike so many others; who had a hard time to stop smoking nad drinking, he could do it so quickly and completely. I don't recall his exact wrods but the central point was that he didin't want something like cigarettes or liquor controlling him or his life.
The
majority of experimental research findings in psychology leads to the
conclusion that our change or growth is slow and gradual. There are
exceptions as observed in the adolescent growth spurt or in the "ah-ha"
experience in solving a problem.
But, the general conclusion based on observations and experiements is that there is a gradual improvement as a result of rewarded pratice. From B.F.Skinner's theories and research comes the recommended procedure for changing anothers behavior. It is to gradually reward successive approximations of the desired behavior. At first, the subject in the experiment or person in the treatment will not be able to make the complete desired response. but can ıonly make a small part of hte desired action or behvaior. Therefore, if they make a small approximation then
they should be rewarded and each subsequent reward should only be given
when they make a slightly more complete approximation of the desired
behavior. This is not the way to do things in a marraige or partnership.
In contrast, when one focuses on the spirit of another person the observable behavior and actions become less important. Instead how the spirit feels or perceives is the critical and most important element. Behavioral change follows a change in the spirit. Fortunately, changes in the spirit can occur quickly,
dramatically, and completely. A person's behavior changes quickly and
markedly to be congruent with teh change in the inner spirit. This is
the ideal way to bring about change in marriage.
There is no disputing the fact that extenal pressure, rewards, and a combination of carrot and stick can change behavior. The disadvantage is that the behavioral change will usually be given grugingly, slowly and only enough to gain the rewards or avoid the punishment. When a person's heart is touched, behavioral change will be spontaneous, dramatic and enduring.
Showing posts with label Seek and Embrace Change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Seek and Embrace Change. Show all posts
Friday, February 22, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Welcome Change And Chose Who You Will Be
It is now a pleasure to propose an action that surely will be considered positive.
Luke, to whom you have already been introduced, was more than a little resntful that age was forcing him to change. He liked who he was better than the vision of the man he was to be in the future. But, Luke was intelligent to know that it is fruitless to fight the natural course of life so he accepted the fact tht he was never going to be the man he used to be.
The happy part of this seemingly sad story is that there is a happy ending for Luke.
It was, for Luke a surprisinly happy ending. While he continued to go downhill, he found he was becoming happier. "How could this be?", he thougt. "I'm worse but happier." The easiest part to understand about this strange situation was that Luke didin't have to be so perfect. He didn't have to hide or disguise his increasing mistakes and small failures. He even realized that if he ever had a large failure he could even survive that. Actually it was a little exciting to become more fallible man than not having to be the same super person he was known to be.
The best part however, was the reaction of his wife and children. How could he have known they actually now liked him more when he was not so perfect? They said he seemed relaxed and was able to laugh more or at least, laugh at himself!
It might seem paradoxical, but perhaps those who most are satisfied with their present identity are also those who most welcome change in their identity.
The truth of this may be seen in the converse where those who have disstatisfaction with their present identity seem to be those who are most defensive and protective of themselves and most fearful of change.
However, how much you want to change is an important question for it does have direct applications for what will happen to you in your marriage. If you don't want to change then it is likely that your eventual change will be different than what you want even though you may try to prevent it.
But, if you welcome change in your identity, then you can have a more active role in determining the direction and amount of change. Remember, whether you like it or not, you will change.
The essential point of all this is that by welcoming change, you have a better chance in participating and creating your future identity which will of course, be different anyway than what it is today. These considerations may influence your answer to how much you do welcome, accept, and want personal change.
Luke, to whom you have already been introduced, was more than a little resntful that age was forcing him to change. He liked who he was better than the vision of the man he was to be in the future. But, Luke was intelligent to know that it is fruitless to fight the natural course of life so he accepted the fact tht he was never going to be the man he used to be.
The happy part of this seemingly sad story is that there is a happy ending for Luke.
It was, for Luke a surprisinly happy ending. While he continued to go downhill, he found he was becoming happier. "How could this be?", he thougt. "I'm worse but happier." The easiest part to understand about this strange situation was that Luke didin't have to be so perfect. He didn't have to hide or disguise his increasing mistakes and small failures. He even realized that if he ever had a large failure he could even survive that. Actually it was a little exciting to become more fallible man than not having to be the same super person he was known to be.
The best part however, was the reaction of his wife and children. How could he have known they actually now liked him more when he was not so perfect? They said he seemed relaxed and was able to laugh more or at least, laugh at himself!
It might seem paradoxical, but perhaps those who most are satisfied with their present identity are also those who most welcome change in their identity.
The truth of this may be seen in the converse where those who have disstatisfaction with their present identity seem to be those who are most defensive and protective of themselves and most fearful of change.
However, how much you want to change is an important question for it does have direct applications for what will happen to you in your marriage. If you don't want to change then it is likely that your eventual change will be different than what you want even though you may try to prevent it.
But, if you welcome change in your identity, then you can have a more active role in determining the direction and amount of change. Remember, whether you like it or not, you will change.
The essential point of all this is that by welcoming change, you have a better chance in participating and creating your future identity which will of course, be different anyway than what it is today. These considerations may influence your answer to how much you do welcome, accept, and want personal change.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
It isn't about Changing. It's about Changing For The Better
It is an advantage to grasp this simple concept. Of course, one must first accept the belief that change it good.
Luke was one of those self- made men. He came from a disadvantaged childhood and succeeded in school, althetlics, and now, financially. He was proud of what he had become through his own efforts and owed nobody anything. His new bride aored him and he was confident that he could and would do whatever was required to be successful in maintaining her devotion and love.
But, life is more powerful than any one man. As a husband it was hard not to ever make mistakes and to be right 100% of the time. Luke began with a positive self- concept, high self- esteem, and an identity as a person who was competent, smart, wise, always virtuous, and never failing. Gradually, he experienced small failures as a grown man with stiff competition. The failures were small and he learned from each, but as soon as he had corrected one mistake, or weakness, another surfaced.
Luke was smart and one day he had a great realization. Instead of becomng stronger, smarter, more athletic,and more suprerior, he was with age actually decreasing in the attributes upon which he has built his self- image. He wasn't even as good looking as he used to be. He was changing and not for the better. Before it was too late, Luke discovered that he could not fight nor prevent change. In that very moment his emotions experienced a new freedom and he let go of what he was to accept the challenge and excitement of becoming a new man.
"He became an entirely different person when he moved to California, He can't be trusted around her", "He was not that kind of person when he was younger", or "He was never that way with me". These statements illustrate how people are changing is buttressed by the whole field of developmental psychology. Change in this academic discipline is the one constant in understanding human behavior. It is not a matter of whether we change, but, who much we change, why, when and where.
Return for a moment to a previous discussion where we noted that a change in one's bodily state, such as going from sickness to health, or from drug use to sobriety, influences both mind, and/or spirit.
There are also some contexts where there are extreme and pronounced effects simultaneously on body, mind and spirit. The great changes in your identity are those associated with inevitable changes in space and time which are of course part of your life events. Great dramatic changes come from your identification, relationships, and interaction with those intimately loved and God. Religious writings are replete with total transformations seen in individuals who report that God came into their lives. And the bulk of literature throughout the ages is filled with personal transformation related to loving another.
So, it is too easy to answer the question of whether we change. The important question is how much we can change for the better?
Luke was one of those self- made men. He came from a disadvantaged childhood and succeeded in school, althetlics, and now, financially. He was proud of what he had become through his own efforts and owed nobody anything. His new bride aored him and he was confident that he could and would do whatever was required to be successful in maintaining her devotion and love.
But, life is more powerful than any one man. As a husband it was hard not to ever make mistakes and to be right 100% of the time. Luke began with a positive self- concept, high self- esteem, and an identity as a person who was competent, smart, wise, always virtuous, and never failing. Gradually, he experienced small failures as a grown man with stiff competition. The failures were small and he learned from each, but as soon as he had corrected one mistake, or weakness, another surfaced.
Luke was smart and one day he had a great realization. Instead of becomng stronger, smarter, more athletic,and more suprerior, he was with age actually decreasing in the attributes upon which he has built his self- image. He wasn't even as good looking as he used to be. He was changing and not for the better. Before it was too late, Luke discovered that he could not fight nor prevent change. In that very moment his emotions experienced a new freedom and he let go of what he was to accept the challenge and excitement of becoming a new man.
"He became an entirely different person when he moved to California, He can't be trusted around her", "He was not that kind of person when he was younger", or "He was never that way with me". These statements illustrate how people are changing is buttressed by the whole field of developmental psychology. Change in this academic discipline is the one constant in understanding human behavior. It is not a matter of whether we change, but, who much we change, why, when and where.
Return for a moment to a previous discussion where we noted that a change in one's bodily state, such as going from sickness to health, or from drug use to sobriety, influences both mind, and/or spirit.
There are also some contexts where there are extreme and pronounced effects simultaneously on body, mind and spirit. The great changes in your identity are those associated with inevitable changes in space and time which are of course part of your life events. Great dramatic changes come from your identification, relationships, and interaction with those intimately loved and God. Religious writings are replete with total transformations seen in individuals who report that God came into their lives. And the bulk of literature throughout the ages is filled with personal transformation related to loving another.
So, it is too easy to answer the question of whether we change. The important question is how much we can change for the better?
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Seek Stability But Love Change
Here is a story about stability.
Susan's father was an alcoholic. her mother neglectful and she lived in the slums most of her very unstable life. Beautiful and intelligent, she was able to find work and graduate from the University. After a few years she found herself the mother of three and the wife of a man who had a hard time holding a job and was not physically or socially attractive. She had ample reasons to seek a divorce but never wavered in her devotion or love and commitment to her husband and children. She was a rock, a rock of stability. With an unstable past, a tumultuous present. and a hard future it is hard to explain why this woman and many like her can be the strength and stable grounding for their families. It is that focusing on others rather than self bring stability?
There is an important but almost totally overlooked dynamic that helps us unerstand how we exist. It is the relative strength of the spirit tot eh body at any moment in timöe. You can understand this by first noting that the body is constantly changing based on nutrition, energy, rest, stimulation, circumstance, training, etc. The body can be strong, weak, active, and passive while constantly changing.
It is less obvious but equally plausible that the mind and spirit may also have the same characteristics. If so, then what a person is at any moment is a complicated give and take interplay between a dynamic vacillating and changing body, mind, and spirit. They all act together, as a unity, to produce at each moment a person, a different person, and a unique person.
In life, we constantly try to find stability; fortunately there is stability. But, why are some people more stable than others and to what do you attribute stability? The answer must reflect the extent to which their biochemsitry, mind or spirit give them stability.
To explain how some can be so stable and responsible while constantly being in a state of change, always moving forward, as an unfolding person, is to consider other sources of stability.
Three possible sources of stability are:
1.Being identified or responsible to other
2. Being connected to God
3.Living according to your conscience
Remeber these three ways to be stable as they are related to information that will be discussed later. In the example above, Susan's stability was living in harmony with her conscience. Mmost likely her conscience would have directed her attention to what she needed to do for others rather than a focus on self. But, Susan may also be identified with her children and husband that she just could not be self-serving.
Next we will turn our direction to a new, but related direction in this discussion.
Susan's father was an alcoholic. her mother neglectful and she lived in the slums most of her very unstable life. Beautiful and intelligent, she was able to find work and graduate from the University. After a few years she found herself the mother of three and the wife of a man who had a hard time holding a job and was not physically or socially attractive. She had ample reasons to seek a divorce but never wavered in her devotion or love and commitment to her husband and children. She was a rock, a rock of stability. With an unstable past, a tumultuous present. and a hard future it is hard to explain why this woman and many like her can be the strength and stable grounding for their families. It is that focusing on others rather than self bring stability?
There is an important but almost totally overlooked dynamic that helps us unerstand how we exist. It is the relative strength of the spirit tot eh body at any moment in timöe. You can understand this by first noting that the body is constantly changing based on nutrition, energy, rest, stimulation, circumstance, training, etc. The body can be strong, weak, active, and passive while constantly changing.
It is less obvious but equally plausible that the mind and spirit may also have the same characteristics. If so, then what a person is at any moment is a complicated give and take interplay between a dynamic vacillating and changing body, mind, and spirit. They all act together, as a unity, to produce at each moment a person, a different person, and a unique person.
In life, we constantly try to find stability; fortunately there is stability. But, why are some people more stable than others and to what do you attribute stability? The answer must reflect the extent to which their biochemsitry, mind or spirit give them stability.
To explain how some can be so stable and responsible while constantly being in a state of change, always moving forward, as an unfolding person, is to consider other sources of stability.
Three possible sources of stability are:
1.Being identified or responsible to other
2. Being connected to God
3.Living according to your conscience
Remeber these three ways to be stable as they are related to information that will be discussed later. In the example above, Susan's stability was living in harmony with her conscience. Mmost likely her conscience would have directed her attention to what she needed to do for others rather than a focus on self. But, Susan may also be identified with her children and husband that she just could not be self-serving.
Next we will turn our direction to a new, but related direction in this discussion.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Seek and Embrace Change
A message from Dena Jensen
Dear Readers,
As it is the New Year's Eve, I found this appropriate to post. I think we can look back on this year of 2012 and see the changes in the world. Our New Years' are usually brought in with reflection of the past year, and resolutions of the New Year. I propose to make changes within you and when chaging, seek the best you, and the most happy you in those changes. This year make it about a true change of personal growth. Be happy and excited for this new you!
Thank you for reading our Posts and as you continue to read, my dad and I will continue to post.
Happy New Year to all!
We are always changing
Your approach to your marriage might be expanded by considering a change of heart or what is sometimes called an awakening of the spirit. This is convincing when reading the case studies in William James's (1842-1910) classice book, "Varities of Religious Experience".
William James is known as the father of American Psychology, and he reported firsthand accounts of persons who had an awakening of their spirit that was strong enough to immediately and dramatically change their behavior, thinking and lives. This then leads us to another story:
Bob was a health enthusiastic and euqally dedicated to maintaining his mind. He kept both mind and body in great shape. Bob was rational, analytical, and thoughful. When relationg with his wife he had the energy to give a lot of attention to her. He provided her everything and yet she found her relationship with him had no "zip, zing or spice". She found him lacking. Realizing this he tried to tell more jokes, travel to extoci destinations, and meet more friends of her liking. But, nothing he did helped, and though he tried to change, he still remained quite boring and unintersting. Can he change, should he change? If so, how could it happen?
Decades ago, it was popular in psychology deptartments to teach a course ono individual differences. A book entitled, "Stability and Change in Human Characteristics", by Benjamin Bloom was often used. Benjamin Bloom convincingly showed that this matter about stability and change was a central question that needed and answer. Now, half a century later, there is still no accepted resolution to the question of stabillity and change.
In general, we act as if each individual were a stable material object. However, when much reflection is given to this question, the answer is in favor of emphasizing change. You and I, and all people change during the course of their life. During the year, during the day, and even each moment. It is more useful to conclude that in understanding people we are dealing with constantly changing entities and not stable objects. Wouldn't you agree?
With the question of mind, body, and spirit, there is a quantitive jump in complexity. We know the changes in the mind influence the body. we know that bodily changes dramatically alter the mind, but now we add the spirit and the interactions jump multifold. Those who seem to know most about the spirit point out that the spirit also changes. Experssions as: "The Sprit Soared", "The spirit was strong that day", and "The experience seem to have broken his spirit", lead to the belief that people's spirits range from strong and vibrant to weak or dead. Sometimes it seems that the spirit departs for a period of time and we feel the absence. Differences in spirit are said to vary from person to person, and within the person, from time to time and place to place. Whenever this happens, people are changed.
Thus, when we consider that all of us are constantly changing it is foolish to fight personal change or try to project an image that we are a finished product. Pretending that we are stable will clash with the truth, and increased unwanted personal instability will be one of the by products.
Dear Readers,
As it is the New Year's Eve, I found this appropriate to post. I think we can look back on this year of 2012 and see the changes in the world. Our New Years' are usually brought in with reflection of the past year, and resolutions of the New Year. I propose to make changes within you and when chaging, seek the best you, and the most happy you in those changes. This year make it about a true change of personal growth. Be happy and excited for this new you!
Thank you for reading our Posts and as you continue to read, my dad and I will continue to post.
Happy New Year to all!
We are always changing
Your approach to your marriage might be expanded by considering a change of heart or what is sometimes called an awakening of the spirit. This is convincing when reading the case studies in William James's (1842-1910) classice book, "Varities of Religious Experience".
William James is known as the father of American Psychology, and he reported firsthand accounts of persons who had an awakening of their spirit that was strong enough to immediately and dramatically change their behavior, thinking and lives. This then leads us to another story:
Bob was a health enthusiastic and euqally dedicated to maintaining his mind. He kept both mind and body in great shape. Bob was rational, analytical, and thoughful. When relationg with his wife he had the energy to give a lot of attention to her. He provided her everything and yet she found her relationship with him had no "zip, zing or spice". She found him lacking. Realizing this he tried to tell more jokes, travel to extoci destinations, and meet more friends of her liking. But, nothing he did helped, and though he tried to change, he still remained quite boring and unintersting. Can he change, should he change? If so, how could it happen?
Decades ago, it was popular in psychology deptartments to teach a course ono individual differences. A book entitled, "Stability and Change in Human Characteristics", by Benjamin Bloom was often used. Benjamin Bloom convincingly showed that this matter about stability and change was a central question that needed and answer. Now, half a century later, there is still no accepted resolution to the question of stabillity and change.
In general, we act as if each individual were a stable material object. However, when much reflection is given to this question, the answer is in favor of emphasizing change. You and I, and all people change during the course of their life. During the year, during the day, and even each moment. It is more useful to conclude that in understanding people we are dealing with constantly changing entities and not stable objects. Wouldn't you agree?
With the question of mind, body, and spirit, there is a quantitive jump in complexity. We know the changes in the mind influence the body. we know that bodily changes dramatically alter the mind, but now we add the spirit and the interactions jump multifold. Those who seem to know most about the spirit point out that the spirit also changes. Experssions as: "The Sprit Soared", "The spirit was strong that day", and "The experience seem to have broken his spirit", lead to the belief that people's spirits range from strong and vibrant to weak or dead. Sometimes it seems that the spirit departs for a period of time and we feel the absence. Differences in spirit are said to vary from person to person, and within the person, from time to time and place to place. Whenever this happens, people are changed.
Thus, when we consider that all of us are constantly changing it is foolish to fight personal change or try to project an image that we are a finished product. Pretending that we are stable will clash with the truth, and increased unwanted personal instability will be one of the by products.
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