Do Not Allow Categories To Become Judgement
Carl Rogers and other psychotherapists, druing the mid 1900's sought in their psycho therapy to be non-judgemental and accepting. Their emphasis was not on analysis or classification of the client, but on facilitationg growth. They believed that by creating a safe, positive, accepting and therapeutic climate, their client would just naturally start moving towards good mental health. They would like this story:
"I understand you so well." "I've got you figured out," and "I know what kind of a person you are," is not what Helen wanted to hear. Yes, she, like most of us, would like to be understood, but not this way. She wanted to be understood, but not figured out, not analyzed into a type of a person. Her husband, similar to so many men, liked to solve problems. They we he solved peoples problemls was to first analyze the person and situation and then determine just what
kind of personal classification he could make in order to find a
solution. He did this with his wife, Helen. Once he had found the
solution, Helen didn't even need to talk anymore. Helen undertood what was happening with her good intended husband and she explained the following to him:
Helen: "Jeff, thank you but no thank you for hte wonderful analysis. Your effort is appreciated, but I just want to run away and scream when someone thinks they have me all figured out. I would hate it even if it were true, but the truth is I know you error when you put me in a category and predict what I am going to do. That is just not the way people are. I would not do it to you because it is demeaning even if it were possible."
Jeff: "So, what do you want?"
Helen: "Thanks for asking. When I ask to be understood, I refer to the process of understanding not to a created product called "The Understanding Of Helen.".
Jeff: "A process?"
Helen: "Yes, an activity where you listen and share my feelings, and try to comprehend what I am going through. It may not need a solution."
Jeff: "So, why do it?"
Helen: "This is going to take a long time."
In marriages, we want to know intimately whom we are relating with, or what kind of person we have in front of us. It is very natural when using an analytic technique to try and erect categories, even categories of people,
and then to place even our loved ones into these constructed
categories. The expected benefit is increased predictability of the
other pseron because we think we know what kind of person is our partner, family membersi friends and loved ones.
There are serious disadvantages to the categorization procedure. Once
categorized, the other person has a hard time changing because they
tend to believe the category as well. But, even if they disbelieve the
categorization and do change, others find it difficult to accept the
change and thus the relationship does not evolve and is stuck where it
is.
The way to avoid the problems of categorization is to be non-judgemental in the first place. One of the first benefits is that if you do not judge others, they are less likely to judge you. Generally, judgements are judgements
of inadequacies rather than of strengths. If one accepts the fact that
people are constantly changing then categories becomes less useful
because people are constructed.
But, that is not just the accuracy of the judgement that is problematic. It is the judgement itself. The judgement usually is a criticism, and feeling criticism leads
to defensiveness, withdrawl, hurt feelings, and therefore they
typically are detrimental tot he relationship. If in your marriage
you can be non-judgemental, non-critical and come to know your partner as a unique spirit, you will find the ways to resolve problems will come naturally.
In time, you can hope to become quite an artist in a way that will be described in a later post.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
Let's Talk About Behavior
Behavoir is caused by perceptions at the moment of action
This is such a key and important point. The following story and discussion may be helpful to grasp the concept.
Henry was an embarrassment for his wife at parties. He just acted to impress, grabbing all the attention he could, and worst of all bragging about himself. "Where did he learn to be like this?" she asked. What could she do? Could he be re-socialized in how to act? Could she teach him how to impress the right way? No, that would take forever. He was hopeless. He should have learned basic social skills during his youth and besides, how can you teach a person to have social sensibilities anyway? No, the answer is no. He was driving her crazy. When she criticized his bragging, he just got worse.
The answer to her predicament came as if in a mental vision. She saw him as a little boy with his male friends each trying to out-do the other with made up achievements. He just wanted to be more important and accepted. Knowing or perciving this, her whole apporach changed. Instead of trying to bring him down, in order for him to accept he had a bragging problem, and had nothing to brag about, she instead told him how important he was to her and how she appreciated what he did as a husband. Now that she knew what to do, she didn't worry about how long this was going to take.
In social situations, she now saw the same boy trying to impress and she knew that this was no fun for him either. Sheitried to touch his spirit to give him a feeling of importance. She knew that someday he would find all the bragging unnecessary.
Two good thing happened. First, she was not so annoyed, and secondly, he gradually changed.
Even if a person is not totally a product of heredity and environment we will know more about the person if we can learn about the past environment and heredity. Thus, we consider the past to understand the present. But, simply understanding the past will not provide the ability to predict the future behavior. A better way to understand future behavior is to focus on a person's perceptions at the momoent of action. This is the essence of living free. Of course, past experiences do influence the present perceptions, but the word is influence, not cause. Another popular alternative in psychology is to say that the past influences persent behavior by changing the mind or cognitions of the person.
Present perceptions or cognitions, at the moment of action, are among other factors to consider along with the spirit of the person, the situation, and the presence of absence of contributing factors. But, while the past may influence present perceptions, it doesn't cause perceptions, and thus, doesn't entirely cause behavior.
A more accurate and meaningful way to understand a person is to study how they now percive the world. If their perceptions are faulty, inaccuarte, or in other ways in error, then these percetpions can be influenced for the better, but, it is not necessary to go back and change the persons past to change persent perceptions. We can view loved ones as having Free Agency, then, help them have more accurate and honest perceptions.
But even more important than perceptions is the spirit within. It is much more important to discern, feel and reach another spirit than intellectually analyze their past if you want a more accurate, honest and complete understanding your marriage.
This is such a key and important point. The following story and discussion may be helpful to grasp the concept.
Henry was an embarrassment for his wife at parties. He just acted to impress, grabbing all the attention he could, and worst of all bragging about himself. "Where did he learn to be like this?" she asked. What could she do? Could he be re-socialized in how to act? Could she teach him how to impress the right way? No, that would take forever. He was hopeless. He should have learned basic social skills during his youth and besides, how can you teach a person to have social sensibilities anyway? No, the answer is no. He was driving her crazy. When she criticized his bragging, he just got worse.
The answer to her predicament came as if in a mental vision. She saw him as a little boy with his male friends each trying to out-do the other with made up achievements. He just wanted to be more important and accepted. Knowing or perciving this, her whole apporach changed. Instead of trying to bring him down, in order for him to accept he had a bragging problem, and had nothing to brag about, she instead told him how important he was to her and how she appreciated what he did as a husband. Now that she knew what to do, she didn't worry about how long this was going to take.
In social situations, she now saw the same boy trying to impress and she knew that this was no fun for him either. Sheitried to touch his spirit to give him a feeling of importance. She knew that someday he would find all the bragging unnecessary.
Two good thing happened. First, she was not so annoyed, and secondly, he gradually changed.
Even if a person is not totally a product of heredity and environment we will know more about the person if we can learn about the past environment and heredity. Thus, we consider the past to understand the present. But, simply understanding the past will not provide the ability to predict the future behavior. A better way to understand future behavior is to focus on a person's perceptions at the momoent of action. This is the essence of living free. Of course, past experiences do influence the present perceptions, but the word is influence, not cause. Another popular alternative in psychology is to say that the past influences persent behavior by changing the mind or cognitions of the person.
Present perceptions or cognitions, at the moment of action, are among other factors to consider along with the spirit of the person, the situation, and the presence of absence of contributing factors. But, while the past may influence present perceptions, it doesn't cause perceptions, and thus, doesn't entirely cause behavior.
A more accurate and meaningful way to understand a person is to study how they now percive the world. If their perceptions are faulty, inaccuarte, or in other ways in error, then these percetpions can be influenced for the better, but, it is not necessary to go back and change the persons past to change persent perceptions. We can view loved ones as having Free Agency, then, help them have more accurate and honest perceptions.
But even more important than perceptions is the spirit within. It is much more important to discern, feel and reach another spirit than intellectually analyze their past if you want a more accurate, honest and complete understanding your marriage.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Unique Persons In Unique Circumstances
The Best Answers Are Created For Unique Persons In Unique Circumstances.
People like to categorize the world because it helps them economize time and effort. If we can put people into classes or groups then we can treat them according tot he classification, and life is easier. This approach to understanding people may be attractive, but it has real disadvantages because the action is based on error. To avoid this error, build your marriage, on the belief that each partner is unique and this is good. In the following example, a mother learned to treat each child differently.
A very religious mother had a problem she could not solve so she turned to prayer to find a way to help her child get over having to have a bottle. An elaborate plan was unfolded and the next day, she took her child to a dumpster and told him to throw out all the bottles into the dumperst. It was fun! Together, they said "Good- bye, bottles!" They then went to the store, and as previously discussed, they selected a sack of favorite treats. The next time the child wanted a bottle, she just brought out the sack of treats and it worked like a charm.
Naturally, when the problem came up with her next little boy, she did the same routine. Note that she was using hte same ruyle or concept that worked so well before, but, this little boy was different. He went along as the first child the first day, and had fun throwing the bottles into the dumpster.
But, later that day when he asked for a bottle and she brought out the sack of treats, he took one look, tossed the whole sack as far as he could, and shouted, "I want my bottle!" For this child, a different answerw was needed.
Again. the mother turned to prayer and ask why the inspriation that had worked befre failed here.
The answer: "You didn't ask me what to do for this child."
When we are analytical, factual, and rational in analyzing a problem, we usually seek to find a principle or a law that regualtes whatever we are observing. When the same problem emerges, again we remember the principle and apply it. This makes sense if all people are the same. But each person is unique. Notice that after one century of psychological research, there are not many laws of behavior that have unanimous agreement, or even some close tot he consensual agreement similar to these found in the natural and physical sciences.
this tells us something about human individuality.
But another observation is that theoretical laws often do not work because of the unique circumstances that surround each person. Thus it is more productive to seek ways to understand others in the given situtation at the moment. The best answers or solutions are often created in the moment for a special person that is like no other and ina situation that is like no other. This is what happens in marriages.
People like to categorize the world because it helps them economize time and effort. If we can put people into classes or groups then we can treat them according tot he classification, and life is easier. This approach to understanding people may be attractive, but it has real disadvantages because the action is based on error. To avoid this error, build your marriage, on the belief that each partner is unique and this is good. In the following example, a mother learned to treat each child differently.
A very religious mother had a problem she could not solve so she turned to prayer to find a way to help her child get over having to have a bottle. An elaborate plan was unfolded and the next day, she took her child to a dumpster and told him to throw out all the bottles into the dumperst. It was fun! Together, they said "Good- bye, bottles!" They then went to the store, and as previously discussed, they selected a sack of favorite treats. The next time the child wanted a bottle, she just brought out the sack of treats and it worked like a charm.
Naturally, when the problem came up with her next little boy, she did the same routine. Note that she was using hte same ruyle or concept that worked so well before, but, this little boy was different. He went along as the first child the first day, and had fun throwing the bottles into the dumpster.
But, later that day when he asked for a bottle and she brought out the sack of treats, he took one look, tossed the whole sack as far as he could, and shouted, "I want my bottle!" For this child, a different answerw was needed.
Again. the mother turned to prayer and ask why the inspriation that had worked befre failed here.
The answer: "You didn't ask me what to do for this child."
When we are analytical, factual, and rational in analyzing a problem, we usually seek to find a principle or a law that regualtes whatever we are observing. When the same problem emerges, again we remember the principle and apply it. This makes sense if all people are the same. But each person is unique. Notice that after one century of psychological research, there are not many laws of behavior that have unanimous agreement, or even some close tot he consensual agreement similar to these found in the natural and physical sciences.
this tells us something about human individuality.
But another observation is that theoretical laws often do not work because of the unique circumstances that surround each person. Thus it is more productive to seek ways to understand others in the given situtation at the moment. The best answers or solutions are often created in the moment for a special person that is like no other and ina situation that is like no other. This is what happens in marriages.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
The Most Important Part Of Your Identity Is Already Established
I have been observing an increased resistance to change, acceptence of responsibility and, this topic of Identity that my Father has been lecturing and writing about for decades.
As a woman living in a modern era, I have found this topic to me very personal because, in many ways, us women find it so important to find ourselves. As my father mentioned last week, many little girls are taught and told that they, "Don't need a man to define who they are", and I have myself, been back lashed on a social media because I said once that "I couldn't imagine my life with out my sweetheart" and that "he is the better half of me". Some were nay sayers from men, but the men were saying things like I sounded like a little girl that did not know what love was. The others were women who were actually belittling to me and said that I am co- dependant on my sweetheart and that I was basing my relationship on sand and not a solid true view of love. They were especially bothered by the fact that I said he was truly a part of me.
My mom and dad will be the first people to tell you how independant I am. My mom once said, "Well, we can tell Dena this or that, but she sure will make her own decisions". This rings true for all my siblings. In our own way, although we are a very close knit and large family, we all have found our identity and indiviuality in our family, with our spouses, and with our world as we live in all parts of the world and USA.
For the women who feel like they will lose their independence if they find their identity with their spouse, I challenge you.
I challenge you because I feel that I am more liberated and more "free" than you. I feel this way because I feel like we women will find more freedom in embracing that we need families and spouses in order to have our place in society. Children need to see a good functioning relaionship with a loving mother and father in order to see how they can work out in their life, relationships work. I am talking about a good healthy and safe environment. Let's face it, women! There are somethings we women just can not do!! And men, there are somethings you can't do without us!
I have for years fought this "depend on those you love", for years. But, I have realized that I do need those I love in my life and part of that is undertanding that I can still be me, be individual, and still find myself with my loved ones, and especially my sweetheart.
Changing yourself and becoming a better person is finding that you actually can be more better defined when you have a good spouse at your side who loves you and you both edify each other.
Take Care, Dena Jensen
Now for the regular post from my father::
What if you married a person like Ruth? Ruth is full of expressive love for her God, who she literally worships. She prays in the morning and throughout the day, and at night; always giving thanks and saying she submits her will to Him. Many a man has married a woman like Ruth. Logically it doesn't look good for the new husband. He certainly will always be second place and Ruth's husband's will is gong to plae in comparison to His will. For Ruth, God will be her head.
John thought and worried about this when he married Ruth, but found to his surprise that Ruth was a delightful wife. Even though Ruth always saw herself as a daughter of God, she was equally as comfortable as being the wife of John. Relating with God adds for Ruth, not diminishes the totality of being a woman. Ruth moved through life being known by her children, friends, and even John as a woman of God. Beginning with her relationship with God, Ruth became a greater person than she could have been alone.
On the surface, it appears that some think little about God. A supreme being seems to have no part in their life. But, that may not be a complete and accurate picture. A common observation among soldiers is that in the foxhole, men who had nothing to do with God were capable of praying, or as they say in the military, "You find God in the foxhole", Is there, for all persons a latent concern or awareness of God? Is this activated when extreme circumstances evoke a dormant knowledge? I don't know the answer to these questions. I am well aware of public opinion polls, survey data, and historic documentation revealing that people that have been through the centuries and world wide expressed not only an interest, but proclaimed a definite and sure knowledge of God.
God is almost always understood in terms of personal lives. The Ancient Greeks, for example, prayed, sacrificed, and asked favors of distant, non-loving and not so admirable Gods. Relating with God is even more personal with many modern Christians who believe God the Eternal Father is a kind Heavenly PArent who has personal love and concern for each of his children.
In such a case it is easy to see how a God, who is a father, who is involved daily in one's life, becomes part of a person's identity. The inclusion of Godf as a part of one's identity thus dramatically impacts beliefs, desires, and all that a person thinks about, and certainly the choices made.
IF you are a person who believes in God then the understanding of your relationship with God will truly be essential for adequate self- understanding of those you love. In such a case, God becomes part of your marriage that will enhance the meaning and possibilities for making you a better marriage partner.
As a woman living in a modern era, I have found this topic to me very personal because, in many ways, us women find it so important to find ourselves. As my father mentioned last week, many little girls are taught and told that they, "Don't need a man to define who they are", and I have myself, been back lashed on a social media because I said once that "I couldn't imagine my life with out my sweetheart" and that "he is the better half of me". Some were nay sayers from men, but the men were saying things like I sounded like a little girl that did not know what love was. The others were women who were actually belittling to me and said that I am co- dependant on my sweetheart and that I was basing my relationship on sand and not a solid true view of love. They were especially bothered by the fact that I said he was truly a part of me.
My mom and dad will be the first people to tell you how independant I am. My mom once said, "Well, we can tell Dena this or that, but she sure will make her own decisions". This rings true for all my siblings. In our own way, although we are a very close knit and large family, we all have found our identity and indiviuality in our family, with our spouses, and with our world as we live in all parts of the world and USA.
For the women who feel like they will lose their independence if they find their identity with their spouse, I challenge you.
I challenge you because I feel that I am more liberated and more "free" than you. I feel this way because I feel like we women will find more freedom in embracing that we need families and spouses in order to have our place in society. Children need to see a good functioning relaionship with a loving mother and father in order to see how they can work out in their life, relationships work. I am talking about a good healthy and safe environment. Let's face it, women! There are somethings we women just can not do!! And men, there are somethings you can't do without us!
I have for years fought this "depend on those you love", for years. But, I have realized that I do need those I love in my life and part of that is undertanding that I can still be me, be individual, and still find myself with my loved ones, and especially my sweetheart.
Changing yourself and becoming a better person is finding that you actually can be more better defined when you have a good spouse at your side who loves you and you both edify each other.
Take Care, Dena Jensen
Now for the regular post from my father::
What if you married a person like Ruth? Ruth is full of expressive love for her God, who she literally worships. She prays in the morning and throughout the day, and at night; always giving thanks and saying she submits her will to Him. Many a man has married a woman like Ruth. Logically it doesn't look good for the new husband. He certainly will always be second place and Ruth's husband's will is gong to plae in comparison to His will. For Ruth, God will be her head.
John thought and worried about this when he married Ruth, but found to his surprise that Ruth was a delightful wife. Even though Ruth always saw herself as a daughter of God, she was equally as comfortable as being the wife of John. Relating with God adds for Ruth, not diminishes the totality of being a woman. Ruth moved through life being known by her children, friends, and even John as a woman of God. Beginning with her relationship with God, Ruth became a greater person than she could have been alone.
On the surface, it appears that some think little about God. A supreme being seems to have no part in their life. But, that may not be a complete and accurate picture. A common observation among soldiers is that in the foxhole, men who had nothing to do with God were capable of praying, or as they say in the military, "You find God in the foxhole", Is there, for all persons a latent concern or awareness of God? Is this activated when extreme circumstances evoke a dormant knowledge? I don't know the answer to these questions. I am well aware of public opinion polls, survey data, and historic documentation revealing that people that have been through the centuries and world wide expressed not only an interest, but proclaimed a definite and sure knowledge of God.
God is almost always understood in terms of personal lives. The Ancient Greeks, for example, prayed, sacrificed, and asked favors of distant, non-loving and not so admirable Gods. Relating with God is even more personal with many modern Christians who believe God the Eternal Father is a kind Heavenly PArent who has personal love and concern for each of his children.
In such a case it is easy to see how a God, who is a father, who is involved daily in one's life, becomes part of a person's identity. The inclusion of Godf as a part of one's identity thus dramatically impacts beliefs, desires, and all that a person thinks about, and certainly the choices made.
IF you are a person who believes in God then the understanding of your relationship with God will truly be essential for adequate self- understanding of those you love. In such a case, God becomes part of your marriage that will enhance the meaning and possibilities for making you a better marriage partner.
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