Experimental Learning

At one point in time, Professor Jensen was helping one of his students find a journal were they could submit research. He was surprised to find one called, "The Journal Of Experimental Education". After he published the article, he realized that this kind of learning is the basis of what we refer to as common sense. It is important to call this learning to your attention. It should not be overlooked. 
  
Same daughter: Mom, how much help were those books you read and the classes? 

Same mother: Of course they helped but, experience or learning from day to day has proven to be the most valuable kind of learning.
Do you think there were no good parents or marriage partners before there were classes and books on understanding each other? 

Daughter: But, is this kind of learning reliable and valid? 

Mother: Well, thousands each day make life and death decisions based on this kind of knowledge ans do so with equal or more confidence than decisions based on academic information. I use this knowledge first and even doubt other information if it is not in harmony or consistent with what I know from my years of experience. 

Daughter: Do you think that what you said is a little self aggrandizing? 

Mother: Now that you mention it, yes, it sounds that way. Sorry, but wasn't it you who told me that Dad thought I understood him best? I never found your dad in anything I read!

There is a kind of knowledge which comes from experimental living. This is the living we do from infancy to death. We live and interact with people. We learn from meeting them and accepting them in a way which they become part of our experiential world.
  Experiential refers to the way that we interpret everyday objects. events, and people as they appear and as they present themselves to us. This is definitely informational learning. Perhaps it is the most important type of learning that brings about an understanding of others and our self. 
 In addition tot he direct experiential living we have, one on one with the objects of the world and other people there are interactions with the knowledge and truth statements that exists in our culture. Here we find information by reading literature,listening to wise people, reflecting and introspecting on our daily observations, paying attention to our traditions, recalling and observing interactions of people with each other, reading, religious practices and instruction, and all the other ways we learn in our jobs, schools, churches, and private lives. 
These interactions and learning gradually accumulate to tell us much about who we are and the people we live with. We come to know individuals directly, but we also acquire certain abstractions and concepts about people in general. Some of us are much better attuned, interested, and intellectually capable of benefiting from this kind of learning, and usually such people share what they have learned. Thus we learn from one another and from our own experiences a type of truth and knowledge which is unequaled and irreplaceable for optimal understanding in your marriage.  
 

Loving Service

As I have mentioned in prior writings, we have established that we are not static electricity randomly "floating" through space and time. We all have a soul, or a spirit and we all have individual value with more substance than just being placed here. Agreeing with this or knowing this can further help us understand each other and our spouses or loved ones in greater depth. In keeping with this topic and while reading the following, keep that in mind.

Here is a story that has taken many times, many places, in different languages and cultures. The issues, surroundings of the individuals might change, but the message will remain the same.

Daughter: Dad said you understand him better than anyone in his life. How do you do it? In fact, you understand me better than anyone else. Mom, what is your secret? Tell me how you do it.

Mother: Well first, you should realize that there are many ways and I use them all. But, there is one way that is a sure thing. By far it is the best way.

Daughter: Well, tell me, but first, let me get a pen. I want to write it all down.

Mother: A pen isn't necessary, in fact it is so simple and basic, but many people don't think about it. If you could sum up understanding someone into one word, it would be "Service". In one sentence, I would say, "Begin each day with your spouse with loving service".

Daughter: Do you have plans and goals when you do this?

Mother: Oh, no, nothing like that. It is almost like happiness. If you seek happiness, it will elude you. However, if you live right, happiness will find you. So it is with loving service. When you serve another person you just come to know that person in a way that can not be equaled.

Daughter: Maybe that is why so many wives understand their husbands better more than they are understood by their husbands.

Mother: (chuckle) That is a humorous way of looking at it. But the principle also works with for the men whom I have met. When they care, help, and see their lives as being the the service of their families, they become men with more understanding. You naturally come to understand those whom you serve. 

 
When students are asked, "Who knows you best?", they do not say, "My Therapist." Usually they say, "My mom", and secondly they say, "My dad". The mother and the father are examples of someone who has served them, loved them, or has shared their life with them first. They are not the people who are particularly astute in knowing laws and abstractions about human behavior. They are people who have lived, worked, loved, and shared a world together. How artificial is it to try to understand someone else in an office. To best understand another person, you need to do things together like: eat, work on a job, share stories, take care of one another when sick, and live with them in a loving, serving and unselfish way. Does this not sound like marriage? Does this not tell you about another way to truly understand people, especially those who you love the most? This conclusion is just the opposite of what we usually think is the way to precede with helping and understanding.